I guess I'll start with Friday morning, before it all went so wrong. I went ahead and did my Friday weight training on Thursday night, and got up so early (5:30) on Friday morning to do my last Week 4 C25k workout before I had to catch my flight. I'd been really good last week (3 pretty stickers), so I was looking forward to getting on the scale for the first time in 6 days. (That's the longest I've been off the scale in the past 8 months, but it wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be.)
And when I stepped on the scale on Friday morning, I wasn't disappointed. I weighed in at 177.5, 2 pounds down from the Saturday before. I almost jumped for joy!
March 1: 189.64
March 8: 186.8 (-2.8)
March 15: 183.7 (-3.1)
March 22: 182.8 (-0.9)
March 30: 179.5 (-3.3)
April 4: 177.5 (-2.0)
There's nothing quite like seeing the desired result after a determinedly on-plan week, and I really believed that accomplished feeling would be enough to get me through whatever the conference threw at me.
I was mistaken. I should have been more prepared, because I should have had an idea of what to expect. American food buffet... including dessert table. I was really good for breakfast and lunch on Friday, but it all fell apart with cheesecake bites, two bowls of sugary cereal the next morning, and brownie snacks. I managed to regain a semblance of control by the next day at lunch, but the damage was done. That's not to say that I think I regained those two pounds, and I'm not going to detail the overindulgences here. (I already did that in an e-mail to my Mom, and now it's time to forget them. Fucking cheesecake bites.) No, in fact I was better than I would have been in the past, which I consider a success, and I went out for a nice long jog (more on that later) today which I'm sure helped to offset some of the extra calories.
No, the damage I'm referring to is the damage to my confidence. I've discovered that with the progress I've made in the past few months, staying on plan in my normal life is becoming much, much easier. I'm not counting anything... I'm just staying prepared and eating the right things. But I never realize, or rather, never want to think about, how much the fact that I'm in Korea is determining my weight loss. Only a good-old fashioned American buffet can make me lose my resolve and almost lose control nowadays, but it shakes my confidence that I'm going to be able to keep from over-eating once I go back.
This is wrong, and un-productive, for a lot of reasons, which I'm going to detail in hopes of nursing my bruised ego. The truth is, I felt gross after over-eating those two meals, and it's not a feeling I'm likely to forget. The food was delicious, but I felt bad emotionally for letting my control slip, and I just felt over-full and unsatisfied. And I would have enjoyed the food just as much in smaller portions. Plus, by day 3 the novelty of tater tots had worn off, and I was able to skip them this morning. (I didn't skip the sugary cereal, but there also weren't bran flakes or oatmeal available.) I have to believe that I'll battle the urge to overfeed on my favorite things for the first few days when I get home, but that, once I realize that sandwiches, Mexican, and Italian food aren't going to be torn from me again, I'll be able to release my death-grip on them and pace myself again. Plus, I am really going to work hard to be at (or extremely close) to goal by the time I go home, so I can throw out all of my clothes and start from scratch with a brand new wardrobe, which will force me to stay in shape.
Plus, there are so many things that will just be exponentially easier in America, that I'm confident will help to offset the damage I might to do with a little too much (whole-wheat) pasta the first week. Whatever gym I join will have elliptical machines, and probably a whole host of other amazing things, including group fitness classes to keep me from getting bored. The grocery store will have an immense selection of fresh veggies and fruits, and I won't have to scrape the spicy red pepper paste off of them. Grocery shopping will be a pleasure, whether at Publix or elsewhere.
I can do it. That's what I have to keep telling myself. This was a setback, but it likely didn't do any permanent damage, and I've learned from it. I won't have to face cheesecake bites again for at least 3 months, and by then, I'll hopefully have lost another 25 pounds. I fought the urge to get on the scale again when I got home this afternoon. It's the middle of the day, when I always weigh more, and I don't want to be demoralized. I know I can undo whatever I might have done with some hard workouts and willpower this week, and I really want to make the scale only a weekly event. It's important to me.
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So anyway, I finished C25k week 4 last week, so as I was doing my cooldown on Friday morning, I went ahead and looked ahead to week 5. And panicked. The first run is, I think, a repeat of last week, and the 8 minute intervals didn't seem like too big of a jump. Then I saw something that stopped me dead in my tracks. Friday's run... 20 minutes. I stared at it, hoping it was some sort of mistake, but it wasn't. There was a brief period in the past year when I was running 12-15 minute intervals, although I lost that endurance quick when I stopped running for awhile, but I'm sure I've never pushed myself to 20 minutes. That's almost 2/3 of the total time of the 5k, for goodness sake. Are you sure I'm ready for this? I said aloud to Robert Ullrey, and no one in particular.
And I worried about it all weekend, as I was stuffing my face. But on the plane home today, I felt that steely resolve coming back. I needed a big workout today, both to try to off-set some of the weekend's calorie overdose, and to get myself back in the right headspace. So I decided I'd try running 15 minutes. Somewhere in my head, I know that the only thing keeping me from running longer distances is between my ears. I'm in much better shape now than I was at the beginning, and I'm fairly confident that, if I needed to (or even really wanted to), I could probably run 30 minutes straight. Slow as hell, but I could probably do it, at least once. Physically my legs aren't ready to run that much on a regular basis, that's what the training's for... but sitting on the plane, I became utterly sure that, if I jogged slow enough, I could go for ages, or at least 15 minutes, even though it was actually 3 times as long as my longest interval so far.
I made my own quick 15 minute playlist, which I think actually contributed to my success hugely, and just did it. Other factors that made it possible: It was about 2pm when I started, and the weather was wonderful... bright and blue-skied, around 63, with a little breeze. I ran really really slowly, and I was tired and mentally ready to stop after the first 5 minute song, but I just kept going, because physically, I was just hitting my stride. When the second song ended and I realized I only had one more to go, I got a little endorphin jump, and the last 5 minutes were almost enjoyable. When I reached the end, I knew I could have continued. I knew I could have done that third week 5 run of 20 minutes right there and then, but I stopped and savored the moment. I'd set my mind to run 15 minutes, and I did it, because I knew I could, and I should. I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling. Because the weather was so great, and it was 2pm on a Sunday, there were loads of people out, and although some technical high school boys leered, and some annoying children giggled and pointed at my shorts, I couldn't possibly have cared less... I was bursting with pride, and ready to let the disappointments of the weekend go without a care. Some random older man gave me a thumbs-up as I ran by, and I gave it right back to him. I was walking on air.
I'm sure not all of this week's runs will be so perfect. After this celebratory post, I'll probably face a cold front, a strong headwind and sore shins for all 3 runs this week. But now that I know I can do it, I won't be able to doubt myself. I'll be able to read back over this and remember that when I needed to push myself, and needed to accomplish something, I buckled down and did it. It's the two steps forward I needed for this weekend's one step back, and I've got my forward momentum going again.
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Lastly, since I've decided to do some sort of focused writing assignment each week, here's the contract I wrote. The Sparkpeople article that inspired it can be found here. I borrowed liberally from their basic contract, but added some of my own twists.
My Contract for Success
I, Brittany, hereby agree and commit to take the following steps to improve my accountability to myself and increase my chances for further weight loss success:
1. I will not let one small slip-up convince me that I've blown an entire day and I might as well binge. I will respect myself by refusing to engage in verbal abuse. I know that there will be times when I make poor food decisions, but I will not dwell on them.
a) After a slip-up, I will immediately change what I'm doing, and if possible, go for a walk to clear my head. Once the craving has passed, I will attempt to figure out why I gave into it, and put it in perspective.
b) I will forgive myself out loud for the mistake, and move on.
c) When I am having a hard time, I will find positive, healthy ways to comfort myself. When I am tempted to binge, I will try these 4 things first: 1. Go for a walk. 2. Read a book. 3. Peruse my weight loss diary. 4. Eat a piece of fruit or some other healthy snack.
2. I will not sacrifice my own needs to make other people happy. When there is a conflict between my exercise and eating plans and what other people want from me, I will negotiate to find a reasonable solution that allows me to do what I need to do for myself. These days, my health must be my first priority. It's not an option.
3. I will not let momentary emotional setbacks cause me to doubt my commitment or lose focus. I KNOW that I really really want to lose this weight, and I am determined to continue to be successful and live my healthy lifestyle. I have many, many different reasons for what I'm doing. When I begin to lose motivation or doubt my resolve, I will:
a) Review my progress. I will log into my blog and look at those numbers and progress photos.
b) Re-read my list of reasons for wanting to lose weight and look at my vision board.
Okay, that turned into a really long entry, so if you're still reading, you're a trooper! I hope you had a great first week of April! Good luck!
4 comments:
wow I dont even know where to start! well first, great job on your loss before your trip, and amazing job with the c25k.
I wouldnt get too upset about falling off the wagon on your trip. I know for me,any change in my routine always leads to me overeating and eating things I wouldnt normally do at home. its hard to be taken out of your element and stick to what you know best. so I would just move on from this because you are doing well and this is just a bump in the road.
Would it have helped if you had *planned* to splurge? Sort of given yourself permission to indulge? I've found it easy to get right back to both enjoy the splurge and then to go right back to my healthier ways since my splurges were planned. (A friend of mine tried it and it doesn't work for her.)
No matter, I hope you'll let yourself off the hook for one splurge. It does not (and did not) a pattern make. Plus, you more than "atoned" by kicking butt on your run! :)
I'll think 'strong' thoughts for you on this week's runs!
You know, in a nutshell I think this was all a very good thing. All of your reasoning is very valid. When you are exposed to the food every day it will no longer feel like a "special occasion" and a license to make poorer choices. Being deprived of something always makes it seem more attractive.
I think this was not a setback so much as a learning opportunity - and I think you took away from it exactly the right lessons. And now you will be prepared and mindful and aware, when you do come back. So well done!
You did awesome on your running too, and I love your contract. Pat yourself on the back - you're doing great!
V.
You're doing an AMAZING job, girl. This post has really motivated me! I've really been working on changing my mentality when it comes to binging or "mess-up days" as I like to call them. For me, one donut in the morning would throw me into the "might as well get back on track tomorrow" manner of thinking. So one donut would lead to a full day of stuffing myself with garbage. And that, in short, has lead me to the weight that I am. I'm realizing that getting on a diet and exercise plan to lose weight is only part of the solution. Arguably the most important part is sorting through all the thought processes that cause one to grossly misconstrue food as a friend, comfort, outlet, etc., and begin to reverse it.
Wonderful job on your weight loss. I can't wait to see the 170s again.. Hugs :o)
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