My Visionboard

I can't remember where I first heard about vision boards (somewhere on the internet, I'm sure), but I had no idea what they were. So I did what I always do in these situations... I Googled "what is a vision board", and came up with several nice links. If you're interested, here's a nice explanation. The basic idea, anyway, is to cover a surface with images that represent the things/goals you really want in life, and then to keep it somewhere you'll see it very often, so as to maintain your focus and passion toward acquiring/achieving those things. They're not just for weight loss, obviously. I'm creating a virtual vision board, because I don't have the stacks of magazines or a color printer, and also because I'm much more a virtual person than a print one. Anyway, here goes...

Obviously, it would be nice to look just like her. But that's not actually why I included this picture. One of the things that has made my life difficult during The Fat Period is my really huge chest. I've always had a large chest, since puberty, but when I started to really pack on the pounds, I feel like my chest grew preternaturally. At one time, I was buying 44 DDDD bras. Since high school, there's only been one or two bras at the major department stores that would even fit me, and they were pretty flimsy. Once I discovered Lane Bryant, things became a little easier, but they still only carried my style (in store) in one or two styles. Because my chest size fluctuated a lot, I never had many bras that fit perfectly. And I haven't had a bra that wasn't black, beige, or red in... well, I'm not sure I've ever had one. And I want it! I want cute little patterny and lacey bras. I want my bras to be cute period... not massive things that threaten children or make really funny helmets. My dream would be to be able to shop at Victoria's Secret--where I've previously had no options. The last time I bought bras (in February), the lady measured me at a 40DD... and they fit okay. But I want to be smaller. I'm not sure how much they'll shrink from losing weight, but I'm going to do as much as possible before considering surgery (which scares me to death). But the past few weeks I've had some really strange back pain that's reminded me of non-cosmetic reasons I might consider it.

Although my visionboard deals primarily with weight loss, because that's the area of my life I'm most focused on right now, I've found that as I start to get one area of my life more under control, the others follow suit. At least a little. So this pig represents my efforts to get my financial life under control as well.

I've been looking for a celebrity body crush to covet for a long time. I'm naturally attracted to tall, super-thin, and consequently small-chested people (exhibit a: Keira Knightley), but I've recently come to accept that I'll never look like her. My body type is determinedly funnel shaped, and I'm pretty sure my chest isn't going to magically shrink to AA. (I'd be ecstatic if I just managed to get down to a C, or even a D, but it remains to be seen whether that's possible without surgery.) So I've been in search of someone who isn't stick thin, but a little curvy, and fairly large-chested. This is difficult, because I don't have any idea what size celebrities are, but I'm going to go with Drew Barrymore. (ETA: Sorry, Jessica Alba. Drew just does it for me. I hope we can still be friends.) So I'll look at these picture for a reminder of how I can look once my chest shrinks a bit more, I lose those last few inches of stubborn remaining tummy muffin, and I tone up my arms and back.

Truthfully, I'm not entirely sure what this picture represents... I mean, I'd like to look like her, and I'd like to wear this dress, but I can't at my current weight, so I guess that's good enough. I guess it's a reminder that, once I lose weight, I'll no longer have to dread big events like weddings and job interviews, because not only will I be able to find dresses and suits more easily, but I'll just feel a hundred times more confident in them. Nowadays I'm actually looking forward to one of my friends tying the knot, because it's so much fun to look at bridesmaid dresses, and I'm like a little girl getting excited about dressing up for the first time.

One of the most exciting moments in my weight loss progress so far was going into a Gap Outlet while I was home and purchasing a pair of size 14 "long and lean" jeans. It's been so long since I owned a pair of jeans that wasn't Venezia that I'd almost forgotten what it was like. And although those size 14s are now already too big, I'm letting them hang there as a constant reminder of what I have to look forward to... having a couple pairs of cute jeans, in multiple styles, to pull on anytime.

A few years back, one of my close friends lost a lot of weight (probably at least 60 pounds). When I saw her for the first time in a year and a half, it was a shock, since I hadn't known she was losing weight. She looked amazing, but the one thing that stuck with me was especially how great she looked in little girlshort panties. I imagine I'll look better in just about any panties once I get rid of the last of this muffin top, but I'm especially looking forward to buying a pair of these. Especially when I get her abs, I'll just stand in front of the mirror and look at my cute little stomach and panties. (Four years of wearing granny underwear has apparently taken a toll on me.)

I went on the first cruise of my life while I was home in January, and it was absolutely a blast. I think it might be my ideal vacation. The only thing I regretted was that I didn't make much use of the pool deck... I only went swimming at night. Because I was shy about looking fat in my bathing suit. But once I reach goal weight, I'm going to take another cruise, and I won't leave the poolside until... well... the bars open. :)

**I'll be adding to this throughout the week. What are the images that inspire you? I'm looking for ideas. And if you decide to make one, link to it here so I can check out yours! :)

HYC #4: 20 minutes!

Hello everyone! I can't believe it's already Tuesday again. And I can't believe this is already my fourth week in the HYC... I feel like I've been here forever. It's great! 

First, a quick goal review: 

1. Eating three vegetables and one fruit a day is proving to be pretty easy, except during this past weekend of doom. No matter- I'm back on track and I'm determined to just keep looking forward. 

2. Reading is going wonderfully! I finished Cloudstreet and absolutely loved it. I've since started Michael Chabon's Wonder Boys, and thankfully, it's just as captivating. I've struggled a bit recently with temptation to binge at night when I'm not busy, so having this new added item to my to-do list, especially something that I enjoy doing, was a great decision. 

3. I haven't missed a blog entry yet.

In summary, I've earned 5 out of a possible 7 stickers, which has made my calendar very pretty, and I'm well on my way to number 6/8 tonight. 

Couch to 5k is going phenomenally. I talked about my surprise 15 minute run on Sunday, and I've just been on fire since then. I think I've become addicted to jogging. And I suppose, in the grand scheme of things, that's one of the better addictions I could possibly have. And it's not as if I've become an exercise-holic, forcing myself out of bed at the crack of dawn and doing 4 hours a day... I've just really enjoyed my last few runs. Monday I did the first Week 5 run, which wasn't too big a deal. It was supposed to be 3 5-minute intervals separated by 3 min. walks, but I pushed myself and did 5 5-minute intervals, and it actually felt great. The weather is warming up wonderfully (highs in at least the 60s all week!), and it's making these runs so much more fun. Today was meant to be a rest day, but I couldn't stay away, so I went to the gym this morning before school did the same 5 5-min. intervals on the treadmill. And after school I was feeling a little stressed out, and all I wanted to do was get out there and slap the pavement, so I did. 

I think the weather is one of the primary reasons for these runs being easier, but it's also definitely been better since I started listening to my music. I'll be forever indebted to Robert Ullrey for getting me through the first four weeks, when all that glancing at my iPod would have made it impossible, but with these longer intervals, it's easy to just create playlists. And today I decided to give 20 minutes a try. After Sunday's successful 15 minute run, I knew I was capable of doing the 20, but I wasn't sure I'd really feel up to it once I got started. But my worries were unfounded-- True to form, after the first song I was ready to quit, and the second song too, but then I told myself I had to at least finish #3. So I did. But then I figured I might as well finish #4 too, because that was only 16 minutes total, which is not much more than I did on Saturday. And then, hell, I only had one more song to go, so I went ahead and did the whole 20. And I could have kept going, but once again I let myself stop once I'd reached the goal I'd set for myself, and basked in the glory and the sunshine all the way home. It's a wonderful feeling to know that I know I can do that 20 minute run on Friday, and if I'm addicted to something, it's these endorphins! I finish every run feeling like a million bucks, and I love it. 

I need to do Week 5, run 2 (two 8 minute intervals) tomorrow, but then I really am going to force myself to take Thursday off. I'm in love with running, but I don't want to injure myself and get sidelined. I'm feeling confident about being able to finish the 5k (in FORTY days), and I'm loving that I'm actually enjoying my workouts. They're hard, but they feel good, and I'm so ecstatic when I finish. 

I'm not sure if I already mentioned this, but I took the advice that some wonderful commenter gave me (remind me if it was you!) and I've turned my weight training sessions into circuit training. Every two exercises, I hop on the treadmill and jog for 2 minutes, and it's great! I was starting to get frustrated with weight training, since I seldom managed to break much of a sweat and I got bored and distracted easily. I worried that adding the jogging in would make the workouts too long, but in fact they've shortened them. Before, I tended to take unnecessary lengthy rests between sets, and sort of meander around, but now I'm much more focused. I stretch between sets and move with a purpose. I feel like I'm getting a real workout. It's a great feeling. 

From the numbers standpoint, I succeeded in losing another two pounds last week, but I won't know how much damage I did in my dessert bingeing this past weekend until I get on the scale Saturday. I also have a feeling TOM is coming up, so I need to brace myself for a frozen scale despite all the hard work I'm putting in. It's proven easier than I imagined to break the scale's hold of me. Having it out of sight (and out of my room) has curbed almost all of my impulses to hop on it at random times, and I think it's good for me. I need to be focusing on habits, rather than numbers, nowadays, and this is a step in the right direction. 

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The inspiration for my assignment of the week came from this Sparkpeople article, called "Seeing is Achieving." You can probably guess, from the title, what the gist of it is. It's not news to me that bombarding yourself with positive images is a great way to stay motivated. Some of the science in the article is new to me, but not particularly interesting. I've been telling myself I'm going to make a visionboard, as they call it, for ages, but now I'm finally getting around to doing it. If I were in America, I'd probably be doing it old style--cutting up magazines, printing out pictures, sticking them to posterboard--but since that's not an option, I'm going to create a virtual visionboard in a blog entry, which I can reference anytime I have internet access. I compiled a huge list of motivational quotes today and typed them up to print out, so tonight I'll cut them up and start sticking them everywhere. I'm riding an awesome motivation high right now, but with TOM coming, I want to be prepared.

Okay, that's about it. I'll link to my visionboard on the sidebar as I work on it. And if you have visuals that you use, comment and link them to me! I'm looking for ideas. :)

A little bit of everything...

Well, I made it back from my conference alive... but that's about all I can say for myself. 

I guess I'll start with Friday morning, before it all went so wrong. I went ahead and did my Friday weight training on Thursday night, and got up so early (5:30) on Friday morning to do my last Week 4 C25k workout before I had to catch my flight. I'd been really good last week (3 pretty stickers), so I was looking forward to getting on the scale for the first time in 6 days. (That's the longest I've been off the scale in the past 8 months, but it wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be.) 

And when I stepped on the scale on Friday morning, I wasn't disappointed. I weighed in at 177.5, 2 pounds down from the Saturday before. I almost jumped for joy! 

March 1: 189.64
March 8: 186.8 (-2.8)
March 15: 183.7 (-3.1)
March 22: 182.8 (-0.9)
March 30: 179.5 (-3.3)

April 4: 177.5 (-2.0)

There's nothing quite like seeing the desired result after a determinedly on-plan week, and I really believed that accomplished feeling would be enough to get me through whatever the conference threw at me. 

I was mistaken. I should have been more prepared, because I should have had an idea of what to expect. American food buffet... including dessert table. I was really good for breakfast and lunch on Friday, but it all fell apart with cheesecake bites, two bowls of sugary cereal the next morning, and brownie snacks. I managed to regain a semblance of control by the next day at lunch, but the damage was done. That's not to say that I think I regained those two pounds, and I'm not going to detail the overindulgences here. (I already did that in an e-mail to my Mom, and now it's time to forget them. Fucking cheesecake bites.) No, in fact I was better than I would have been in the past, which I consider a success, and I went out for a nice long jog (more on that later) today which I'm sure helped to offset some of the extra calories. 

No, the damage I'm referring to is the damage to my confidence. I've discovered that with the progress I've made in the past few months, staying on plan in my normal life is becoming much, much easier. I'm not counting anything... I'm just staying prepared and eating the right things. But I never realize, or rather, never want to think about, how much the fact that I'm in Korea is determining my weight loss. Only a good-old fashioned American buffet can make me lose my resolve and almost lose control nowadays, but it shakes my confidence that I'm going to be able to keep from over-eating once I go back. 

This is wrong, and un-productive, for a lot of reasons, which I'm going to detail in hopes of nursing my bruised ego. The truth is, I felt gross after over-eating those two meals, and it's not a feeling I'm likely to forget. The food was delicious, but I felt bad emotionally for letting my control slip, and I just felt over-full and unsatisfied. And I would have enjoyed the food just as much in smaller portions. Plus, by day 3 the novelty of tater tots had worn off, and I was able to skip them this morning. (I didn't skip the sugary cereal, but there also weren't bran flakes or oatmeal available.) I have to believe that I'll battle the urge to overfeed on my favorite things for the first few days when I get home, but that, once I realize that sandwiches, Mexican, and Italian food aren't going to be torn from me again, I'll be able to release my death-grip on them and pace myself again. Plus, I am really going to work hard to be at (or extremely close) to goal by the time I go home, so I can throw out all of my clothes and start from scratch with a brand new wardrobe, which will force me to stay in shape. 

Plus, there are so many things that will just be exponentially easier in America, that I'm confident will help to offset the damage I might to do with a little too much (whole-wheat) pasta the first week. Whatever gym I join will have elliptical machines, and probably a whole host of other amazing things, including group fitness classes to keep me from getting bored. The grocery store will have an immense selection of fresh veggies and fruits, and I won't have to scrape the spicy red pepper paste off of them. Grocery shopping will be a pleasure, whether at Publix or elsewhere. 

I can do it. That's what I have to keep telling myself. This was a setback, but it likely didn't do any permanent damage, and I've learned from it. I won't have to face cheesecake bites again for at least 3 months, and by then, I'll hopefully have lost another 25 pounds. I fought the urge to get on the scale again when I got home this afternoon. It's the middle of the day, when I always weigh more, and I don't want to be demoralized. I know I can undo whatever I might have done with some hard workouts and willpower this week, and I really want to make the scale only a weekly event. It's important to me. 

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So anyway, I finished C25k week 4 last week, so as I was doing my cooldown on Friday morning, I went ahead and looked ahead to week 5. And panicked. The first run is, I think, a repeat of last week, and the 8 minute intervals didn't seem like too big of a jump. Then I saw something that stopped me dead in my tracks. Friday's run... 20 minutes. I stared at it, hoping it was some sort of mistake, but it wasn't. There was a brief period in the past year when I was running 12-15 minute intervals, although I lost that endurance quick when I stopped running for awhile, but I'm sure I've never pushed myself to 20 minutes. That's almost 2/3 of the total time of the 5k, for goodness sake. Are you sure I'm ready for this? I said aloud to Robert Ullrey, and no one in particular. 

And I worried about it all weekend, as I was stuffing my face. But on the plane home today, I felt that steely resolve coming back. I needed a big workout today, both to try to off-set some of the weekend's calorie overdose, and to get myself back in the right headspace. So I decided I'd try running 15 minutes. Somewhere in my head, I know that the only thing keeping me from running longer distances is between my ears. I'm in much better shape now than I was at the beginning, and I'm fairly confident that, if I needed to (or even really wanted to), I could probably run 30 minutes straight. Slow as hell, but I could probably do it, at least once. Physically my legs aren't ready to run that much on a regular basis, that's what the training's for... but sitting on the plane, I became utterly sure that, if I jogged slow enough, I could go for ages, or at least 15 minutes, even though it was actually 3 times as long as my longest interval so far. 

I made my own quick 15 minute playlist, which I think actually contributed to my success hugely, and just did it. Other factors that made it possible: It was about 2pm when I started, and the weather was wonderful... bright and blue-skied, around 63, with a little breeze. I ran really really slowly, and I was tired and mentally ready to stop after the first 5 minute song, but I just kept going, because physically, I was just hitting my stride. When the second song ended and I realized I only had one more to go, I got a little endorphin jump, and the last 5 minutes were almost enjoyable. When I reached the end, I knew I could have continued. I knew I could have done that third week 5 run of 20 minutes right there and then, but I stopped and savored the moment. I'd set my mind to run 15 minutes, and I did it, because I knew I could, and I should. I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling. Because the weather was so great, and it was 2pm on a Sunday, there were loads of people out, and although some technical high school boys leered, and some annoying children giggled and pointed at my shorts, I couldn't possibly have cared less... I was bursting with pride, and ready to let the disappointments of the weekend go without a care. Some random older man gave me a thumbs-up as I ran by, and I gave it right back to him.  I was walking on air. 

I'm sure not all of this week's runs will be so perfect. After this celebratory post, I'll probably face a cold front, a strong headwind and sore shins for all 3 runs this week. But now that I know I can do it, I won't be able to doubt myself. I'll be able to read back over this and remember that when I needed to push myself, and needed to accomplish something, I buckled down and did it. It's the two steps forward I needed for this weekend's one step back, and I've got my forward momentum going again. 

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Lastly, since I've decided to do some sort of focused writing assignment each week, here's the contract I wrote. The Sparkpeople article that inspired it can be found here. I borrowed liberally from their basic contract, but added some of my own twists. 

My Contract for Success

I, Brittany, hereby agree and commit to take the following steps to improve my accountability to myself and increase my chances for further weight loss success: 

1. I will not let one small slip-up convince me that I've blown an entire day and I might as well binge. I will respect myself by refusing to engage in verbal abuse. I know that there will be times when I make poor food decisions, but I will not dwell on them. 

a) After a slip-up, I will immediately change what I'm doing, and if possible, go for a walk to clear my head. Once the craving has passed, I will attempt to figure out why I gave into it, and put it in perspective. 

b) I will forgive myself out loud for the mistake, and move on. 

c) When I am having a hard time, I will find positive, healthy ways to comfort myself. When I am tempted to binge, I will try these 4 things first: 1. Go for a walk. 2. Read a book. 3. Peruse my weight loss diary. 4. Eat a piece of fruit or some other healthy snack.  

2. I will not sacrifice my own needs to make other people happy. When there is a conflict between my exercise and eating plans and what other people want from me, I will negotiate to find a reasonable solution that allows me to do what I need to do for myself. These days, my health must be my first priority. It's not an option. 

3. I will not let momentary emotional setbacks cause me to doubt my commitment or lose focus. I KNOW that I really really want to lose this weight, and I am determined to continue to be successful and live my healthy lifestyle. I have many, many different reasons for what I'm doing. When I begin to lose motivation or doubt my resolve, I will: 

a) Review my progress. I will log into my blog and look at those numbers and progress photos. 

b) Re-read my list of reasons for wanting to lose weight and look at my vision board. 

Okay, that turned into a really long entry, so if you're still reading, you're a trooper! I hope you had a great first week of April! Good luck! 

Why I want to lose weight...

There's a few things I've been wanting to blog about lately, and as I've been pretty productive today and have a spare hour, I'm going to do it now. 

Lately, I've been questioning my motives for losing weight. Recently one of my WL buddies sent me a list of her personal reasons for wanting to slim down, and I thought I'd better do it for myself too--make sure my reasons will sustain me beyond swimsuit season. (Bikini-vanity is important, but it isn't the only thing motivating me, apparently.) 

1. Most importantly, I want to lose weight so that I don't waste any more time as The Fat Girl. I'm 22, which I recognize is hardly ancient, but I struggled with my weight nearly all four years of university, which caused me to be much less confident and happy in my own skin than I might have been. It didn't make me an introvert--I'm outgoing by nature--but I was pigeon-holed. I was the funny fat girl, and while I managed to make that work for me, it wasn't what I wanted, and while I don't waste time regretting it, I'm aware that my college experience could've been much different if I'd been able to shed the excess pounds, and baggage that went with them, sooner. By some strange twist of fate, my three best girl friends during my last year of college were super-skinny, so I was always painfully aware of my weight problem, and though I loved to go out and have a good time, I could never really relax and enjoy myself... I was too busy worrying about what people thought of me. 

By the same token, I made the ballsy decision last year to move to Ireland for six months, and while I went out often, and had a lot of fun, I wasn't comfortable--I wasn't proud of myself and the way I looked the way I want to be. But it's not too late to be what I might have been, to paraphrase. After finishing my year in Korea I'm moving back to my college town for a year and living with a friend who is in university now, and I want to be able to be proud of myself... to know I'm healthy and beautiful.  

2. I want to lose weight because I love shopping.  This may seem like a stupid reason to some people, and that's fine. Some people don't care about clothes, or fashion... And I used to be one of those people. But not by choice. I didn't care about having cute clothes because I couldn't have cute clothes. That was the sad fact. I grew fast, and especially because of my chest, I was out of the children's section long before I stopped being a child. And thanks to my poor eating habits, my precocious growing continued. Before I discovered Lane Bryant, and before my local Old Navy went plus-sized, I lived in the elastic athletic shorts and t-shirts that are the Florida fat girl's solace. But even when I started shopping at Lane Bryant, a store which makes a fabulous effort to approximate current fashion trends, I was painfully aware that I literally didn't fit in normal stores. Buying cute clothes has been the best part of my weight loss journey so far, and I can't wait to get to my normal healthy weight so that I can shop almost anywhere without feeling embarrassed, and feel cute and feminine in a way I haven't been able to for years. 

3. I want to lose weight because I want to be healthy. I'm sure at least someone will read this with cynicism, and suggest that his reason ought to be at the top of my list, and I would agree with them. Certainly I have tried to keep my focus in this journey on attaining overall better health (rather than just losing weight), and developing healthy new habits (rather than dieting), because I know that's the key to sustaining my success. I've had a few health problems in the past few years that were, if not caused, at least severely exacerbated by my extra pounds, and I'm anxious to see what my healthy, non-overweight body can do (beginning with running my first 5k in July!) But the fact of the matter is, the abstract goal of becoming healthy wasn't enough, on its own, to motivate me to lose weight. I'm still young, thankfully, and heart problems and diabetes were probably at least a few years in the future. And whenever I got winded walking up too many stairs, or couldn't keep up with friends at the gym, I thought about how nice it would be to be healthy... but that wasn't my number one motivator. If just having better health were enough to motivate us, surely no one would be overweight. But as I attempt to untangle the web of emotions tied into my poor eating habits, I become more and more aware that being emotionally and physically healthy are necessary for me to achieve my physical goal of "thinness." 

In conclusion, despite the fact that I've named by blog "Bikini-Bound," and that my tagline expresses my goal as "getting into a bikini," I'm pretty sure vanity isn't my only motivator (although it's a damned good one). I want to learn to cook. I want to stop spending thousands of dollars a year eating out. I want to stop eating to deal with emotions. And I really want to be a runner. But most importantly, I want to be proud of myself. I know there are overweight people who are proud of themselves. Perhaps they're less shallow than I am... they can derive their self-worth from a million other sources, and they see their bodies as beautiful no matter what. I'd like to have those qualities, but as yet, I don't. My appearance is important to me, and I want to be proud of it. 

And the fact that my appearance is important to me may be more calculating than vain... Because no matter how proud and accepting you are of your body, there will be people who aren't. Our very first impressions of each other are physical, and as an overweight person, I know that I was treated differently than skinny people in many situations--from social settings, like bars,  to professional ones, like job interviews. I'm accepting the cold, hard reality that while appearance isn't everything (especially to me), it's important, and I want, more than anything, to be proud and confident. 

Here's some progress pictures, which I'm hoping will inspire me to buckle down for the next 9 days and do what it takes to achieve my March goal. 

       December 2006 / January 2008 / July 2008(?!?)      

December 2006 / January 2008

I was talking to my Mom this morning on the phone, and she was excited to report that while going through boxes in the garage she'd found an old form from a physical I had in 2000 (when I was 14 and a sophomore in high school). I know from memory that I looked pretty good at that time, although I didn't feel it, and I weighed 171--just ten pounds less than I weigh now. Inspiration is coming from all directions. I just have to ignore the chocolate calling my name. 

Last, but certainly not least: I was tagged by my lovely new acquaintance HappyBlogChick at Look, a fitness blog! to create and post my six-word memoir. This was an assignment I had to do a few years ago in university for a Creative Writing class (although I can't remember what my memoir was then), and I recently heard about them again on NPR. I contemplated my life long and hard over the past day, and drafted quite a few, but I'm settling on this one. 

Always tried 'to be of use.'

The quoted portion comes from my very favorite novel by John Irving, The Cider House Rules, which was turned into a very inferior movie. The main character is an orphan named Homer, raised in an orphanage, and I know that part of the reason I love and identify with the book so much is because I'm adopted. (I'm lucky, however, to have two wonderful parents, although they aren't married to each other.) Anyway, the owner of the orphanage, Dr. Wilbur Larch, is a father-figure for Homer, and his most important expectation of Homer is that he always "be of use." Something about this simple phrase struck a chord in me early on, and I've never forgotten it. I've spent all of my young adult life wondering what it means and trying to figure out how I could "be of use" myself. It's my guiding principle. 

Happy Easter, everyone! Take care of yourselves.