On the Temptation Scale of 1-10, we're at a 79.

I guess it's my own fault... I blogged yesterday about feeling good. I invoked the wrathful gods by saying that I hadn't had any big cravings to fight this month. Then I woke up this morning with my period, and it's been downhill ever since. Usually my dessert and treat of the day is two squares of thin chocolate. For the past two weeks this has been more than enough, and I haven't even felt tempted to polish off the entire bar. Yesterday I decided to have four squares--an impulsive decision, but one I was sure wouldn't derail my whole diet. But today... all bets are off. I was good for breakfast and lunch, but for whatever reason on the ride home all I could think about was food. The new Dunkin Donuts they put in around the corner from my house is the bane of my existence. I was lying in bed and imagining a half-dozen donuts, ice cream, a big cold bottle of Coke, a cheeseburger, etc... and I almost didn't trust myself to get out of bed. I went for a haircut as a distraction. (I've been needing a change, and decided bangs might be nice... It's a change, and I don't hate it, though I'm not sure how I feel about it completely.)

I also decided to have an early and relatively health dinner (around 6) in hopes of avoiding a bingeing disaster, and I only ate only a little more than a fist of food and felt perfectly satiated (but not full). I hadn't, in truth, been terribly hungry yet when I ate. I then browsed a few stores before ending up at Dunkin Donuts, but in a miraculous display of inner strength, I managed to only get two donut holes. I'm sure even those are bad for you (I refuse to look it up on the Dunkin Donuts website), but I want to consider it a success, because it could have been much much worse.

But the problem is... the evening isn't over yet. It's only 7:47. I came home around 7 and met my host mother as she was walking in the door, and proceeded to immediately get into an argument with my nine year old host brother. (He is, I have to say, a really spoiled brat.) I stood firm against my host mom's suggestions that I eat (again), because rice and spicy cabbage isn't what I'm craving anyway, but then when I tried to use the family computer for 5 minutes (while host brother was eating!) he pitched a full-on fit. Screaming and whining and refusing to eat and the like. All because he apparently wouldn't have been able to save his computer game he was in the middle of. I just wanted to go up and play on My Virtual Model for awhile in hopes that it would help me remember why I didn't want to eat ice cream and Doritos, but the site doesn't work on my Macbook, so I wanted a few minutes, just while he was eating dinner. But no... he pitched a fit. Mom tried to reason with him, and when that didn't work, she said "Just use it, really, it's okay," but watching him roll around on the floor and scream about not getting his way was too much for me. He finally got on host mom's last nerve by weeping, so she took away his bowl and was dragging him into his room to yell at him and give him a smack (that's how we roll in Korea) when I decided I had to leave.

How do kids get that way? So I came to the local internet cafe to discover that MVM doesn't work on this computer either. Great. Now I'm frustrated, I want to punch a nine year old, and I still want chocolate ice cream. Really bad. I really think I could gain 52 pounds back TONIGHT. Not exactly what I'd call progress.

I'm not even sure why I'm here. I had to get out of the house, because just looking at his little face and the gap between his teeth was making my skin crawl. (Side note: I've lived with this family for 8 months, and I have a very good relationship with Mom and little sister... it's only the boy who hates me for no logical reason and is a spoiled brat.) So rather than going to the local McDonald's substitute, or back to Dunkin Donuts, I guess it's good that I came here. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up ready to start fresh tomorrow, but it's too early for that.

I would think I'd be more tired... since I woke up at 5:40 this morning. I said I'd try going to the gym at 6am when it opens to spare myself some embarrassment, but even I wasn't sure I'd stick to it. But I did. I woke up at 5:40, before the alarm went off, and didn't feel like going back to sleep after I went to the bathroom, so I went to the gym. My legs were still killing me from Monday's workout, and I hoped they'd loosen up with my brief warm-up on the treadmill, but they didn't. The lunges were excruciating, but the rest of it was okay. I was bored, and thus wanted to quit, but I didn't, because I really believe it will make a difference. Doing enough weight training to get sore is great, in some ways, because it makes me way more aware of many muscles I didn't know were there, especially in my back, chest, and stomach. Before weight training, my fat just sort of seems like a numb mass, but for the past few days, it's like I've been able to feel that thin person inside... the lean and strong person who could go eat one cheeseburger, or one ice cream, and still feel okay about herself. She's there, anyway, and I'll do the lunges if it helps to bring her out.

Anyway, there's other things I'd like to say, but this entry has been rambly enough, and if I keep typing, it'll just be an effort to keep both my hands too busy to eat anything. Hopefully, this is mostly physiological thanks to TOM, and in a few days I'll be able to reflect about it a little more rationally and start to understand it. I hope. Or maybe I'll be back babbling tomorrow night. I'll do whatever it takes.