Have you eaten?

Well, this entry is a little late, but I woke up this morning compelled to write it, so that's a good sign. I even made a list yesterday, as I was frantically hacking away at my to-do list, of things to blog about.

Yesterday was a little stressful. To start off, it was Erection Day. No, that's not a special Korean holiday. I didn't have to go to school yesterday because it was Election Day (for the assemblymen), but over breakfast all we could talk about was the "Erection." (Remember? Asian people have that problem with the letters 'L' and 'R'?) This came up during our school elections as well, but my co-teacher actually knew what an "erection" was, so she understood why I kept laughing. I was able to control it yesterday at breakfast, because host Dad was there. He's decidedly my least favorite member of host family. It used to be a toss-up between him and host grandmother (since she stunk up my bathroom that morning!), but he's just so annoying. He's never home, but when he is, he feels the need to speak to me in regular-speed Korean. I don't mind when they speak Korean to me, even though it's often things I know they could say in English, if they really wanted to try (which is presumably why they asked to be my homestay in the first place). What I don't appreciate is when they just speak Korean to me at their regular speed. Which host Dad does all the time, and which is obnoxious. He says something, looks at me to confirm I can't understand him, and then laughs or continues. And he mumbles too. It's really irritating, especially first thing in the morning. Yesterday he was babbling about how we should study together everyday, one word of English and one word of Korean, and I'm like... huh, sure, yeah. I'll stay up until midnight so we can do that. Psyche.

I was trying to explain this to my Mom yesterday, and I think some of you might find it interesting, so I'll share it here. (I could've sworn I already had, but whatever.) My one student, HW, who, since he added me as a friend on messenger a few days ago, talks to me all the time, is really cute. I was telling my Mom how he always asked me if I've eaten. (This is a Korean thing, and when they try to translate it into English, it usually comes out: "Camp eat lunchy?") When I tried to ask the nephew who was staying with us how he says "How are you?" in Korean, he assured me it's "밥 먹었어?" (which means, "Have you eaten?") They have a way of asking "What is your mood?/How are you feeling?", but I almost never hear that. No, the most common first question, or follow up to a greeting, is "Have you eaten?" And apparently, you don't even really answer that question truthfully. Usually you just say yes, because it's just a thing you say.

But the reason is what's particularly interesting. Koreans experienced a LOT of hunger right after the Korean War, and so many people were starving, that it's still a part of the national consciousness (like hating the British for the famine in Ireland). Thanks to the amazing longevity of Koreans, there are lots of people around who can still remember the war, and the terrible times afterward. So, as it was explained to me at Orientation, constantly asking each other if they've eaten is a way of remembering that time. The question, back then, wasn't "How's your mood?", but rather "Are you starving?" And if you'd eaten, people assumed you were okay. Sometimes I think about this, when I'm sad over X or Y.

In other news, my decision about what to do with myself next year has recently become a whole lot more complicated. I once commented, I'm sure, that the most convenient thing that could possibly happen to me would be if I could extend for six months, and leave Korea around December or January. This would be ideal for a lot of reasons.

1. I'm starting to get really really sad about the prospect of leaving. I'm getting sad about missing my students, mostly, although I'll miss my host family a bit too.

2. My awesome co-teacher at good school has to leave good school at the end of the 2008 school year, and I wouldn't want to stay if she weren't there.

3. My third graders, who I love to pieces, will be graduating at the end of this school year too. And I pretty much hate the 1st and 2nd graders, so I wouldn't want to stay just to enjoy their company. Sorry.

4. If I came back in December, I could move back in with one of my parents for a bit, work part-time, enjoy a lot of company with the family, and have plenty of time to look for a solid teaching job (that I'd really enjoy), or apply for grad school or TFA. It would be nice to be so close to family and home for a little while, since I've been away for so long, and I'm going to be moving away again soon enough.

As you may remember, after coming home for a few weeks in January, I rediscovered all the things I loved about America, and was suddenly filled with a desire to be back, as quick as possible. I was even dreading coming back to Korea a bit, mostly because my favorite students had graduated. But, as is often the case with me, the grass is always greener wherever I am. (That sounds conceited. I mean, for myself, the grass is greener, metaphorically. lol.) I fell back into my Korean life comfortably, and have even made great strides to improve it. By committing myself to staying home most evenings out of the week, I've both cut down on my excessive expending and eating, and improved relations with the homestay family exponentially. (Doing laundry and dishes has helped with this too.) And my second graders from last year, who I did already love, over the break became much more mature and serious students, so now class with them is just as fun as it was last year, and I'm even closer to some of them than I was the 3rd graders, by virtue of having that extra half-year with them. HW, in particular, has informed me, dead seriously, that he'll cry if I leave in July. And I know I'll cry. This might seem ludicrous, but I'm sure most teachers (who actually love teaching) will say that they still remember their very first-year students. This is my first time as a (semi-)real teacher, and these are my first students, and plus, they're like 13 times more adorable than their American counterparts, by virtue of being country kids and unable to smart off to me in a language I'll understand. I really love them to pieces.

Oh yeah, the new year's resolution to make productive use of my time at school and try to do all lesson planning there has also turned out awesomely, as it means I don't stress about school (usually) when I'm at home, which means I enjoy it more when I'm there. And particularly now that I've improved my Korean life so much, I'm starting to get sad at the prospect of leaving it in (omg) somewhere between 80 and 100 days.

I talked about extending for six months, but I never knew it was actually possible, as most people I talked to were lukewarm on it. But then, on a whim, at the conference, I talked to the director, and she informed me that it really wasn't a big deal, if my schools were okay with it. (It'll be more of a hassle, for me, because I'd have to get both schools to agree, rather than just the one.) I'm sure the good school would want to keep me, but the principal at the other school is sort of aloof. Plus, it would all have to be approved by the Naju School Board, which is much more intense than other places (they paid Fulbright a lot of money to get 6 ETAs sent to this backwoods place). So, I really have no idea what the likelihood of this all getting approved is. But what I do know is that, if I go ahead and start asking, I better be damned sure that I really want to stay, because I can't cause all this trouble and then be like, 'psyche. pass.'

The problem is... I have a fairly equally appealing year lined up in America already. K is a saint, she really is. At one point in our friendship past, she made a decision to move somewhere that was best for her, but which broke my heart, and I can't say that I took her decision with nearly as much selflessness and aplomb as she received mine. This is a obviously a reflection of how mature and selfless she is, and really only succeeded in reminding me of why I want to live with her for the next year in the first place (as if I could have forgotten).

I provided a lot of justifications... my primary one being that I'm really afraid that if I don't extend, I'll regret it. I reasoned that I know I won't be coming back to Korea. (It's not Korea I love, not really. It's the students and the homestay and my specific current experience, which won't be replicable any other time. Maybe for my honeymoon...) I know I won't be coming back to Korea, whereas I still have plenty of time to be in America, so it seems to make sense to err on the side of staying, so as to avoid regretting it.

But Kate gently and tactfully reminded me of two things which I hadn't really considered, but which have now made my decision much more difficult:

1. Things seem really wonderful now, but I can't be sure that it will stay the same, and that I'll stay this happy. And then, I might regret not coming home, just as I might regret not staying in Korea. As with Ireland (for both of us), there might be an ideal length of time when the experience is just perfect, and drawing it out could prove to ruin (or at least taint) a really great thing. I'm not sure how likely it is that this is true of Korea, but it does seem possible that, even if the next 6 months were really great, I might be missing out on some equally great experiences in America that I won't be able to have.

2. I might not have another chance to live with K after this, which really does break my heart. Because she went away to Wisconsin while I was finishing college, we missed out on some excellent party experiences. (Not her fault, obviously.) And granted, we had our time in Ireland, but that's nothing compared to the havoc we could wreak if we were sharing an apartment, something I've wanted pretty much literally since I met her, but definitely since we met Norman Reedus. (He kissed me.) And while it was easy for me to justify by being like, 'yeah, there'll be another chance,' she gently reminded me that there might not be. Which devastatingly, is true. I especially wanted us to have this year together because I was aware, in the back of my mind, that we might be moving in different directions (spatially, not emotionally). Both of our future plans consist primarily of "somewhere else," and although it would be wonderful if they did, it's unlikely that they'll coincide enough for us to be able to live together again. I know we'll remain friends, without a doubt, (we have to, at least until one of us gets famous), but this would be a wonderful year, and one that, in all likelihood, I couldn't have any other time. Perplexing.

So that's where I stand. And whichever way it goes, I have a lot of stuff to do, because I have to be prepared to go back to Orlando, just in case they don't approve my petition to extend. (Start putting together resume, application, references for teaching jobs. Reapply to UCF.) But right now I just feel trapped in this no-man's land, unable to work up excitement for either opportunity because I'm too distracted by the loss of the other.

What I need to do first, I know, is make a decision about whether or not to ask if I can extend. If I decide that coming back to Orlando is definitely what I want to do, I won't even ask about the possibility of staying until December/January. And I need to make this decision soon, so I'm setting a deadline of Sunday. I'm going to try to keep my weekend relatively clear, so I have time to hike up the mountain and contemplate long and hard at the top. It's not the biggest decision I'll ever make, but it's really important to me that I make the best one I can with the information I've got. I want to balance my own happiness with my commitments, and see if I can do what I'm least likely to regret. And then whatever I decide, I've got to stick to it, because this no-man's land makes me feel powerless and miserable.

*I didn't really intend for this blog entry to end on such a low note. I don't really feel powerless and miserable all the time. Only when I'm thinking about the future. Which is only about 10% of my day, but it's 99% of my free time. Sigh.