That's the question of the week, anyway.
I don't have a whole lot of insight tonight. This week was another tumultuous one, with plenty of ice cream. The good news, if there is some, is that I think I've actually made myself sick of ice cream for awhile. Today's three cones may have accomplished that.
This morning I had my biggest disappointment of the month, and it wasn't scale-related at all. I went to bed on Thursday night feeling fine, and woke up Friday morning with a scary twinge in my back. It was unlike anything I'd ever felt, and I found myself without a frame of reference. It continued to hurt in a low-grade but painful way all Friday, especially when I bent over to tie my shoes or pick something up. This morning I woke up at 6am with every intention of going running, even though the weather has recently taken a cold turn again, and it was, in fact, 49 degrees and drizzly. My back was feeling pretty bad during my warmup walk, and I managed to run exactly one song before I came to terms with the fact that it was not, in fact, going to loosen up and feel better, and I limped home feeling cold and miserable and bad for myself. I hadn't run since last Saturday because of the cold, and all I wanted was to have a nice long workout, but my body had betrayed me. And with the 5k t-minus 22 days away, I was really frustrated and upset.
My first part-time job was at a pretzel shop in my local mall, where I worked for about 3 years. I was really close to my boss, C., a 50 year old lady with two kids and a terrible husband. She came to my high school graduation, and I used to go to her house after work sometimes and have a beer. I went back to visit her at the shop when I came home from college usually, but I hadn't seen her for a year or so, then I went to Ireland and Korea. When I was home in January I stopped by and found out that she didn't work at the pretzel place anymore. I tried to call her at home, but I didn't get her, so I just figured I'd give her a call when I came home for good. But she died last week.
We were really close when I worked there, but I hadn't seen her in almost a year. I didn't cry on Friday when I found out, but I started thinking about it and crying this morning as I was limping home. It's proof that I'm maybe a selfish jerk, because I didn't start crying for her until I was in physical pain myself, but I think I just didn't know how to feel about it. I'm upset that I didn't try harder to get in touch with her while I was home. I'm sure she didn't miss me terribly-- she was thirty years older than me and had two kids of her own, but she did a lot for me, and meant a lot to me, and I didn't tell her that recently.
I finally got my period, and maybe that's why I feel like I'm on such an emotional roller coaster, but I don't really know. I just feel like I'm treading water lately... treading water while trying to eat a lot of ice cream. And now the one thing that had been going really well, C25k, is postponed indefinitely until my back stops hurting. I called my Dad, who is a veteran runner and an expert on back pain, and he just told me to take ibuprofen and go easy on it until it's better, probably less than a week. I'm mad that I'm not controlling myself. I'm mad that I can't run. I'm mad that people die.
The sad thing is, I got on the scale on Thursday morning and saw a really great number. It was my low for the month, and I was starting to feel hopeful that I could still pull out a good month, and then I found out about C. and my back betrayed me. I don't want to believe I've lost it all--all that self-control and all those positive healthy changes I made during March, but the evidence is mounting, and not in my favor. Of course I was successful... until it got hard.
My to-do lists are piling up, and I don't even care. I came home on Thursday and Friday and went straight to bed, from about 6pm to 5am the next morning. I need to plan two lessons tomorrow, but instead I just wish I could sleep all day.
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7 comments:
Man, what an awful week -- going for the ice cream is exactly what I'd have done, too. I'm sorry about your friend's death and really sorry that you didn't have the chance to have one last chat with her before she died.
And I think that crying about her on Friday during your bout of back pain wasn't selfish, it was just a timing thing. You were jumped in an alley by a gang of "bad" feelings: loss and regret about your friend, disappointment at being unable to have a really great run, frustration at not being able to keep your training schedule, confusion about your back pain, self-doubt about your ability to control yourself, anger at your need for ice cream ... and the cherry on the sundae: your period arrives, just to mix a little hormonal instability into the mix.
Damn, Briy, you need a shoulder to cry on and someone to help you eat that ice cream. Good friends will do that, you know -- help you eat the comfort food so you don't ingest all the fat grams yourself. :) And then they go to the gym with you the next day, just to make sure you get back on track. :) If you still need ice cream tonight, let me know via email -- I'll go down the street to The Twist. And tomorrow (or as soon as your back is better) we'll go jogging together. But you'll have to go slow so I can breathe. *grin*
Sending big hugs your way!
There is nothing I am more familiar with than having my body betray me, so I understand completely. When your mind is willing and you're gung ho and ready to move, and then you can't, it's SO frustrating!
I am glad you saw a dip on the scale. I know you've had a hard month. I'm here cheering for you anyway!
Im sorry for your loss! its completely normal to feel that way, especially with TOM around the corner. and congrats on the low weight you hit. but you bring up a good pt..that just because its hard doesnt mean that you will fail. these are the times that will help you get to the end and be stronger and keep that weight off. who ever said this was easy? in the beginning I was naive to think it would be but there have been times that have been so hard for me to get through. you are doing fine, this doesnt mean you are failing and this doesnt mean you are losing anything.
I hope things get better (Hugs) things will turn around for you
First things first. Do NOT feel bad because it took you a while for the grief to sink in. For many people that is just how it works. Your mind has a great ability to try and put off feeling real pain and it is not a result of you thinking of yourself, it is you, trying to process a hurt that is very real and deep. This, of course, takes a while to sink in and will take some time to work through.
Second. You are successful. You have had GREAT success. Look at how far you've come. Besides that, with all of the exercise you have been doing it may take a while for the ice cream to catch up with you. It will catch up but could be a while. So don't panic yet, you probably have a little leeway. I gained 10 pounds between Feb and April but only towards the end of that period and most of that period was one huge binge for me. I feel that the reason for this is that my metabolism was actually revved up pretty good from the exercise I had been doing prior to Feb. I say this because I know that feeling like the whole thing is shot is not a good place to be. I've been there SO many times. Know that you haven't ruined everything or even anything and you WILL get back on track.
Your crazy hormones are probably just messing with you. It happens to all of us. Especially with the delay, there was probably something going on there that helped you reach for ice cream.
I would really recommend trying to treat yourself to a perfect day on your plan. Maybe now, running won't work. But walking can be really good for back problems. I've had some pretty severe problems with my lower back over the years and walking, followed by gentle stretching has always helped me. Just go easy on it and follow up Ibuprofen. Get back to following your healthy eating and you will feel better, you really will. After a day like that, if you want to eat ice cream GO FOR IT! And enjoy it and savour it and don't feel guilty cause there is no real joy in that but you deserve to let yourself soak in a little joy. You CAN DO THIS. You really can.
You've been through a lot this week. Be gentle with yourself and imagine the wonderful advice you would give you if you were someone close to you.
Of course, this is all really unsolicited advice so feel free to ignore me... I just want to say I respect your progress so much and your beautiful writing about it is just so wonderful. I'll be thinking about you.
Oh Bry, I'm so sorry you're going through so much, but you are an incredible woman and you'll make it through. We're all rooting for you.
I know that saying sorry doesn't take any of it away, but I hope you know that we all care about you and want to see you happy and healthy!
(((big hug)))
I love your way of moving on to May, though.
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