the 2/3 point

Wow, I haven't updated this blog in a really long time. It's not because I've been completely off the wagon or anything, although I pretty much spent my last month in Korea not exercising at all, and eating a lot more ice cream than was probably necessary... but hey. I'm recovered. 

I feel like I hadn't really been able to celebrate the so-far success properly, because I hadn't been able to buy new clothes to see what size I was in and show off my very changed body. And I was so worried about coming back to America and packing on the pounds by eating Taco Bell every day... a fear that proved to be unfounded. I think the lowest number I saw on the scale in Korea was about 174, which didn't last long, and I don't think I got on before I came home. I splurged for about the first week, mostly on chocolate and carbs (interesting, because I have those things in Korea)... I've only been to Taco Bell twice in the almost month I've been home, so that fear proved unfounded. When I got on the bathroom scale here at home a couple weeks ago it said... 185. The most interesting thing about that? I was relieved. I thought the last month of no activity in Korea plus the mindless snacking of my first week might have pushed me higher, like up to 190, so when I saw that I was only 10 pounds up, I was surprisingly... okay with it. After I got the travelling and visiting portion of my vacation over (halfway through), I was able to settle down, make a routine, go to the gym regularly, and things have been fine. Before my period started a few days ago I was at 181.5, and although I'm now seeing ridiculous numbers like 183 after an almost perfect week, I trust that my body's just wonky thanks to TOM, and that I'll be pleased with what I see once that's over. 

I've been eating really well, and my mom's even been teaching me to cook, which will help me when I'm back for good. I've also pretty much decided that I'm probably moving back in with my Mom when I come home again in January, at least for a while, if not until I move again in June/July. My future (from next summer) is really up in the air, which is one thing that's stressing me out quite a bit, but I'm just trying to let it go, to make a plan so that I can attack one thing at a time... and so on and so forth. 

So my BIG EXCITING NEWS OF MY LIFE, which I've been aching to blog about for two weeks is...

I bought size 10 jeans! And not just one pair, either... but 3 different brands of size 10 jeans, as well as a pair of size 10 pants. When I pulled those babies on in the dressing room and buttoned them... well, you could have knocked me over with a feather. No one has ever been as surprised or pleased as I was in that instant. My dream was to get into a size 8 someday, when I was at a weight I was comfortable with, and I knew that my one size 12 skirt in Korea had been getting loose, but I still sort of worried that it was a fluke. I couldn't wait to come home and start trying on things, and this was the amazingly pleasant surprise of the century. And I still have a definite muffin top and love handles, so it seems that being a size 8 could be possible! Awesome! 

The jeans fit the first week of vacation when I bought them, but after my week of travelling, eating a bit too much, and no exercising, they were tight. So it's been nice, the past week and a half, to be eating right, working out, and having them feel a little looser every few days. It's actually good that they're this way, so that they might continue to fit me for awhile if I continue to lose weight over the next four months. They'll be a good gauge. Last time I came home, in January, I brought a few well-fitting size 14 items back with me which were too big in about a month. You know how jeans and pants are so much looser the second time you put them on? Well, these things would be okay the first day, then falling off on the second, and when they started to bunch up so much with a belt that it was weird, I retired them and just wore elastic waist skirts. Hopefully these size 10s will see me through (with belt) until next January, and I can have another YES! moment when I buy size 8s (or dare I dream) 6s? We'll see. 

In an equally exciting development, I now wear a size LARGE in shirts. There was a time when I was only fitting in some XXLs at Old Navy and Target, and then I gained a little more weight and abandoned regular stores altogether, purchasing lots of size 22/24 blouses at Lane Bryant. Last time I bought shirts, I bought a few 14/16 items from LB (the lowest size they have), but also grew out of them in about a month. Not that they were unwearable, or fell off of me like the pants... but wearing shirts that are too big sucks, because if you're swimming in a shirt, it doesn't show off your new shape. Going through stuff for a garage sale, I found an old bra... Size 44DDDDD. Yes, you read that right. Five D's. I remember the tears and confusion that accompanied that purchase. Is that an... H? I put it on for kicks, and that more than anything showed me how much smaller my chest has actually gotten. I mean, I knew, because of the change in my shirt size, but it's hard for me to see a change in my chest, because it still seems so big, and I guess I didn't look too hard at it when it was filling up 5 Ds. That old bra was enormous on me. We bought a couple of DD bras that seem to fit pretty well, but the best part was that they were 38DD. 38! I still don't feel solidly in the DD category... some fit and some didn't, but it seems promising that I might get there. Then I could buy bras... ANYWHERE. I might even be able to possess something pretty, something in a color other than black and beige... oh, the possibilities! 

To recap--

Beginning sizes...

Shirt: 22/24, XXL

Pants: 20

Dress: 20, XXL

Now...

Shirt size: L, maybe XL

Pants: 10

Dress: Still 14/16 thanks to the chest! 

In conclusion... I feel normal. I feel confident that I can go to almost any store and fit into something. I feel brave enough to wear tank tops without worrying about my arms or stomach. I can fit into, and feel confident enough to wear, a strapless bra. I still have problem areas, obviously. That muffin top seems as prominent as ever, and the love handles hang out of my otherwise well-fitting hiphuggers. My thighs could slim a bit more. My butt and back aren't the shapeliest in the world. But even if those things don't go away, I'll be happy. 

I'm about 2/3 of the way to goal weight, which is 150-the high end of healthy BMI for my height. I spend a lot of time lately staring at myself, wondering where that last 30 pounds is hiding, gauging the chub on various portions of me. My dual goals for this were to be healthy and to look in such a way that I would be proud and confident. The second part is pretty much done. If I looked like this for the rest of my life, I'd be happy. It would mean wearing a one-piece bathing suit, but that's sort of fine by me. But I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing... eating the right proportions, cutting out processed, sweety things, and exercising regularly. It's a lifestyle that I'm working hard to form, one that I can maintain for the rest of my life. So if the weight keeps coming off, and those as yet wiggly parts tone up, all the better. 

I want to be the kind of person who jogs 5 miles 3 times a week, so what I'm doing is training myself to do that... not just trying to lose weight. I lost a little of my endurance when I stopped jogging for awhile after the 5k, but I'm not worried. I got there once, I know I can do it again. My next fitness goal is a 10k, and it feels good to have that to work towards. Doing some sort of exercise every day is going to be my life, staying fit, so I'm no longer trying to kill myself in the gym. Just doing what it takes to get there slowly but surely. 

Seeing my family and friends has been awesome, but the best part of this vacation is seeing that I CAN do it. That I won't immediately revert to midnight trips to Taco Bell and multiple dinners. That being in Korea has made me much more open to trying new things, so now I like lots of healthy options I never would have eaten before. I love them even, because they aren't spicy octopus! It's POSSIBLE. That's what so reassuring. I can keep it off once I get back, which is what I always secretly doubted.