Cleared for re-entry?

I've been thinking a lot about this entry for the past week, about what I want to write in it, so now that I finally have the time to sit down and really focus on it, I'm going to give it a go. First of all, and in fact most importantly, I want to say a heart-felt hello and thank you to those awesome people still actually reading this blog. The lovely Bikinime even gave me a blog award:

I'm passing this on to all the people who commented on my last entry, for not giving up on me or forgetting about me. :)  You've probably all received it before, because you're awesome, and I've been out of the loop for so long, but hey-- this one's for you: Cammy, kikimonster, Irish Mom, Radiosilents, Bikinime, and weelittleme.

I was pretty much on hiatus from blogging altogether for awhile, then just from this blog, and then I went home for a month-long vacation. While there I managed to write a whopping one entry, in which I bragged excessively about my new size. And, I finally figured out how to use Google Reader (effectively), so that once I was ready to move back into the blogosphere, I'd be able to do it far more efficiently. 

In real life, I was far more productive. I'd signed a contract for 6 months of personal training before I found out I was going to Korea, so rather than cancelling it and losing what I'd already paid, I just went ahead and paid it for the remaining four months, saving up the sessions. And fortuitously, an LA Fitness had opened up in my hometown, so I was able to use them while I was home. And use them I did! My trainer was a little crazy, and sometimes off-putting, but he did teach me some stuff. I'm back in Korea now, but I feel much more confident about what I'm doing on weigh training days, whereas before I was just sort of winging it. I'm also using a lot more weight now. Before I just used to pick up my 10 pounders and sort of flail around, never really feeling a burn but still wondering why my muscles perversely refused to tone. Now... well, things are different. It's nice to feel confident that I'm doing the right things. If the scale is to be believed, I've lost about 5 pounds in the past 3 or so weeks, which is great. Things have been really wonky on the scale for the past week (a spread of 6 pounds), but I'd like to believe that's because I'm making muscles. 

I've been back in Korea for one week now, and it was a perfect exercise week. (Haven't seen one of those in a long time.) I weight trained four days, did my two mandatory runs (plus a brief bonus one), and walked at least two miles every other day. One day, I walked 6 miles, which is almost a fourth of a marathon, I realized proudly. Granted it's been a little easier, because I haven't been teaching, but actually it's been hard too, not having my schedule. But I've filled those empty hours with exercise rather than mindless eating. I realized how much I actually like walking, just walking, so I'm going to do more of it. I know now that most losing body fat is mostly about diet, so I'm going to stop trying to kill myself with the cardio. Two runs will suffice, plus walking. I've been enjoying the chance to really explore the city I've lived in for a year. The weight training will hopefully tone up some trouble spots, but for now I'm focusing mostly on eating the right things, and nipping the snacking habit. I've gone back to food journalling, and I think I've finally found an argument to successfully discourage myself from excessive snack bingeing (most of the time). 

I want to lose more weight, obviously. I want to get closer to that number I (admittedly) sort of arbitrarily chose at the beginning of this journey. I want to wear a single-digit size and get rid of my muffin top. I'd like to wear a bikini, though I could live with it if I never did. But also... I don't want to care anymore. I meant to write about this in my last entry, but I just went back and re-read it, and I guess I just... didn't. Especially now that I'm wearing clothes that fit me, I'm deliriously happy with the way I look in said clothes. I feel pretty and confident. I love being able to wear tank tops in the summer without shame. I can't get over how cute my collarbones are. When I'm dressed, I wonder why I even care about losing the rest of the weight. I just want to declare the battle over. (One of my favorite bloggers, PastaQueen at Half of Me, has done this. She decided that around 180 was good enough, and went ahead and gave her victory/acceptance speech.) 

But when I'm naked... well, it's a different ball game. I seem to be able to see that last 20 pounds very clearly, in a bunch of different lumps and bulges. And maybe more than anything, I want my chest to get a little bit smaller. I know that's still probably my biggest (ha!) refuges of body fat, and I have a strong feeling even more of it might go away if I worked hard enough. If I went from a 44DDDDD to 38DD... why should I give up now? I've been living on a plateau, and quite happily, for the past two months. The only weight I've lost is weight I'd gained recently. I guess what I didn't realize about getting this close is how wide the gulf is between "in shape" and "bikini material." I'm healthy. I can run 30+ minutes without stopping. I'm happy with the way I look in dresses, mini-skirts, and tank tops. But I'm only just now starting to realize that I'm a lot of body fat percentage points, a lot of hard work, away from that elusive perfect body. That completely flat stomach. That shapely, muscular back. So I'm back to the question I've asked a million times... How bad do I really want that? The truth is... I'm not sure. 

But there's good news: I know what I do want. I do want to keep running 3 miles twice a week, and work my way up to 5. I want to keep building muscle by weight training. I want to keep eating healthy. So I'm going to keep doing those things, and just... see where it goes. If I keep doing all these things, keep living healthily, and never lose another pound... that's okay. As long as I don't gain any. :) If I do lose more, awesome. I've come a long way. 

July, 2007: The irony of this picture escaped me at the time. That's the best part.

July, 2008: Dad let me play with the nail gun in the new house. 

Yes, I've come a long way, but it's not over. During a lazy period (most of today), I spent a lot of time revisiting weight loss blogs I love. This is a community that I've really missed, so I'm excited to get back into it, especially now that I've mastered Google Reader. My goal is to blog at least once a week until January 2009. (I'll be going back to America for good around that time.) I missed you all and I can't wait to see what you've been up to.