1/30: "Anyone can see my every flaw, it isn't hard."

Yeah, I disappeared for 4 days. After being perfect for 3 days, and bragging about how "it wasn't even that hard" to stay on track, I got side-lined. But alas. That's okay. Last week was a practice, a trial run-through, for this month, September, when I really will blog every single day. 

So let's get caught up. I went to good school on Thursday and Friday, and it was okay. I really like those first graders--just like other school they're really enthusiastic, and don't offer too many discipline problems. Plus, the lesson just went really smoothly. I love third grade too, as always. I did a lesson on beach vocabulary that I was kind of dreading, because vocab-heavy lessons are usually rough (just a lot of repeating), but it was surprisingly good. We did a dialogue too. Second grade was painful, as always. They just hate repeating, and reading, and pretty much everything. Don't worry--I know, I'm sure, that my negative attitude towards them doesn't help. I mean, I don't express it overtly, I try to be the same cheerful encouraging teacher to them that I am to third and first grade, but they can probably sense that they make me nuts, and I don't feel warmly towards them. Ah well. 

Saturday I taught my first two hours at Beauty High School! I was pretty nervous, but it went really well. They weren't mean at all. They were pretty polite, not too chatty, and they mostly shut up when I told them to. They were fairly cooperative, even during the boring dialogue portion. And they seem a little bit smarter than my current third graders, which is good, because they don't have the benefit of a co-teacher in the room to translate what I'm saying. Overall, it was pretty pleasant, though I was nervous. And I only have to teach them 9 more times, which is nice. I did have to do some extra paperwork, including a hand-written lesson plan, which was annoying. Plus, I have to have my curriculum for the whole semester planned (at least the main topics of the lessons) by the time I go back (next weekend?) Yikes! But I had a few ideas that I've jotted down that'll get me through at least the next two or three times. 

I've been feeling pretty weird and down since Friday. I skipped my weight training on Saturday morning... just couldn't bring myself to get up early before Beauty High School, then did other things in the afternoon and was too tired and blah to do it in the evening. I didn't even do any walking on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday, which I'm sure didn't help my mood. And I did some excessive snacking, of course. It wasn't too bad, and my meals were still pretty okay, but again, I'm sure crappy food doesn't help a funk. I didn't really know what was wrong with me. I just felt really down, and mostly wanted to stay in bed. Some of my students came over yesterday, and I attempted to make macaroni and cheese from scratch, but it turned out badly. I think the problem was mostly the cheese. I mean, the pasta was fine. And the cheese mixture I created with milk looked really good, but it just tasted... really blah. I guess single slices of whatever crap is in the store doesn't stand up to American sharp cheddar or Velveeta. I think a lot of salt would have helped, but I felt bad. They ate it pretty valiantly, but Korean people don't even like cheese (I forgot), and it just wasn't very good. Host mom came home, and said "Aww, that was nice of you guys to eat it even though it looks gross," in Korean, and I understood, so I was pretty irritated. She's like, "Oh, you understood?" 

I went into my room, but then I started crying, and she came in. She felt really bad. I couldn't even communicate that it wasn't just her. I'd been frustrating and upset for a few days, and it was necessary to get it out. But I just tried to stop crying and went out with the kids. We played basketball, ate ice cream, went bowling. But none of it was very fun. I think my slight breakdown perplexed them, so I felt bad. I concluded the day by leaving my new ring in the park and losing it, which brought on another round of tears, and I retired to my bed for the rest of the day. I realized, lying there at 7, that it was Sunday, which is supposed to be my one big run day, but I hadn't even thought about it. I was getting ready to blow it off, to give up the September Streak before it even started, but then I downloaded the song "Pain" by Jimmy Eat World, which I hadn't heard in ages (since high school). 

It's not a very clear, comprehensible song. I think it might even be about being addicted to pills. But it's really fast-paced and catchy, and there's a few lines in it that got me out of bed and into my running shoes at 8 at night on a Sunday, so thank you thank you thank you Jimmy Eat World:

"I never thought I'd walk away from you, I did. 

But it's false sense of accomplishment every time I quit.

Anyone can see my every flaw-- it isn't hard. 

Anyone can say they're above this all. 

It takes my pain away." 

To interpret: I never thought I'd walk away from being fat. I really didn't. I sort of assumed that I'd be plus-sized my whole life, and just accepted it. I mean, it's easy enough, thanks to Taco Bell and Lane Bryant. But I did walk away from being fat. I did walk away from unhealthy eating behaviors, mostly. The next line, about "a false sense of accomplishment," is a little depressing, but it reminds me how hard it actually is to triumph over it all. And as I was out there prancing around in my spandex, anyone could see my every flaw. But I was transcendent. I breezed by them. I was hurting bad, granted. I had stitches in my side, which I don't get when I don't eat ICE CREAM before running. But that temporary pain did wonders for my emotional angst. I sweated it out, ran away from it. In truth, I came home still depressed, by I at least felt triumphant. I'd done my workout. I'd done what was necessary. 

I woke up this morning with my period, which was surprising. I was thinking it was later, so I didn't even think to associate this funk with PMS. Even now I hate to make that connection, but if it was the cause, I guess that's good, because it'll be over soon. Which is good, because this is going to be a productive month. But more than anything, it's going to be a very consistent one. I'm going to come to Dunkin Donuts every night to do my devotional and to blog. Being consistent about that is what's most important to me. Getting ready for Nanowrimo. Then, in October, when the PDL is finished, I'll spend the time working on the TFA application. 

I feel like I had more to say, but I guess this is enough. I hope you're well.