1. I'm trying to spend as little as possible right now, because it's coming off my credit card. But I'm also trying to eat healthily. I'm struggling between things I need for the apartment, and things I can live without until I get paid.
2. It's amazing that I get to come home in July, but that means less time to save money. Also, my salary is a little less now, so less money to save.
The good news I've received since starting this entry is that I am going to get a refund for my plane ticket back to Korea that I had to purchase. Which is good, because that will help me survive (easily) until my first paycheck, and allow me to save a little money as well.
I was reading the blog of a pretty awesome woman today. She's an opera singer who lost one hundred pounds in a year. I really like what she has to say, and she was even featured in a video report on the New York Times website. Anyway, she articulated something that I hadn't managed to fully explain to myself. The fact is, I've never been able to eat certain foods while on a diet. People call them trigger foods, and I never thought about how apt that description is. There are certain things that if I eat them it really is like pulling a trigger. I can't "eat just one," like Lay's says. Or otherwise, eating a little bit of something will start me off on a binge. They say that your diet will inherently fail if you have to deny yourself any food completely. Eventually the craving will get the best of you, and if you deny yourself, you'll binge on it eventually.
I'm not sure if that's true. In all my previous diets I've done this sort of thing. I've tried to stop myself from eating certain things completely cold turkey, and it's true: the deprivation never worked. I felt cheated and deprived, and then I cheated, big time. Then I was so convinced that eating that amount of chocolate had completely undone all of my work that I just quit. But this opera singer says that there are some foods that she just isn't able to bring into her house. If she wants, say, ice cream, she just has to buy an individual portion, because if she brings it into the house, she won't be able to control herself. I'm that way about some things. If it's there, I'll eat it. I've changed my relationship with food a lot in the past year, a whole lot. I have a much healthier understanding of hunger, and eat much more normally... but some things I still can't control. If chocolate is there, I'll eat it. I just will. Any minor emotional fluctuation, and I just shove it in my mouth. This is why I had such a hard time when I was home with my Mom. I begged her not to buy the popcorn from Target, because I knew I'd eat it if it was there. I just knew I wouldn't be able to resist it. Maybe that sounds pathetic, or like I'm addicted. Maybe I am. But I just consider it knowing my limitations. I'm that way with snacks. If it's there, I'll tend to eat it. That's why I just can't let myself bring crappy food into my apartment.
I mean... I don't eat enough to gain weight. And I know that I'll never let myself get too big for a pair of jeans again. Whenever they start to feel a little tight, I'll go back to being hyper-aware of what I'm eating. But if I want to keep losing weight, I have to avoid snacking. And if I want to avoid it, I'm just not able to have bad food lying around. And I feel a little cheated, it's true. I feel frustrated that I can't be like those people who have no food issues. Who can bypass things because they aren't hungry. Who aren't driven crazy by the sound of snacks calling from the kitchen, or the breakroom at work. It's ridiculous... I eat things that aren't even that good, even when I feel full, just because I want the taste in my mouth. I want to be not bored. I want to be happy.
That's why I have to be so careful about my snacks. I have to choose them wisely... make sure that they're exactly what I want, that they're worth the calories, that they will satisfy me. And I have to control what's in my house. In conclusion, sometimes I feel cheated. Not because I can't eat cake and ice cream every day and not lose weight... but because I feel like I can't eat cake and ice cream at all without eating too much. I just hate not being able to control myself.
Sorry, I know that wasn't interesting, but it was something I had to work out in my head.
Vacation is going really well. I've worked out most of my confusion about the apartment... I figured out the washing machine. I learned how to separate the trash, where to buy bags, and where to put it. And today my co-teacher came over and taught me how to make my hot water hotter. It's been lukewarm/cold for the past two weeks, which sucks anyway, but which is practically unbearable when you've been jogging in super-cold weather. But now, I think it's going to be warm, maybe even downright hot, which is what I'm used to from my homestay. Today I felt like I was really in the third world. I needed to shave my legs, and I needed warm water, so I boiled some and mixed it with my lukewarm water in the sink.
I'm vaguely looking forward to meeting my new first graders, and my new co-teacher, and it'll be nice to know what my schedule will be like for this year. But I'm also still enjoying not doing anything everyday. I mean, presumably I would get tired of it eventually, but I'm not there yet. I have five more days, and I'm going to enjoy them. I've been cooking, and I've gotta say, I'm really proud of myself. I took the cheap bus by myself to the bus terminal in the next town, I found wheat bread and boneless skinless chicken breasts and ground meat at a decent price. Then, I even managed to make hamburgers (out of pork) in the frying pan. Then were a little dry, and I only had pepper and garlic to season them with, but it turned out pretty darn tasty. Ketchup, mayo, lettuce, onion, and cheese. The cheese in Naju just has a weird taste, but it was still pretty good. I made up four at a time last weekend, and froze the others, eating them over the week. Next I'm going to give the chicken a try. I'm really looking forward to it. So far I've managed scrambled eggs, tuna salad, spaghetti, and hamburgers. Add some chicken dishes and I'll be set... especially once I start eating lunch at school again and only have to make dinner.
I never thought it would be possible, but I think I might actually start to enjoy cooking. It might be deceptive that I like it now, when I have lots of time and don't have to cook after work. But I've been having fun looking through recipes online, so it's possible that once I live in America and buying ingredients is even easier, I'll actually start liking cooking. I hope so anyway. It's soothing. A useful hobby. I've always had this dream image of myself putting on dinner parties for friends. Maybe that'll actually be a possibility.
So one of the other ways I've been passing the days... Well, actually, the thing I've been doing almost all day... is watching television. Some American shows I've started watching now, which I never would have watched at home: "America's Next Top Model," "America's Got Talent," "Pussycat Dolls Presents: Making Girlicious," "The Big Give," "Project Runway," "Cold Case," "NCIS," even "CSI," which I thought I'd never lower myself to. The other day at like 3am an episode of the show "Pacific Blue" came on. I couldn't believe it. That was a crappy version of Baywatch that used to be on USA ages ago.
Okay, I guess I'll wrap this up. I actually started it like 3 days ago, but I always get distracted and then leave the entry for days.
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