The weather's been surprisingly nice lately. Well, not that "nice," I guess, but very bearable. It rained all day one day last week, but besides that, I've been able to go running in fairly decent weather every other day. I'm really starting to get my hopes up that spring has actually come, permanently. The highs have been in the 50s, even in the 60s once, all week, and will continue to be for the foreseeable five-day forecast. There's going to be some time, pretty soon, I hope, when the weather is downright pleasant. I need to make sure I recognize and enjoy that period of time, because if there's one thing I've learned about Korean weather, it's this: The good seasons, Spring and Fall, are really really short. Blink, and you might miss them. And the summer heat is just as bad here, if not worse, than in Florida.
But like I said, I've been running. It's been just under two weeks since I've been back, and I'm surprised to look at my notes and see that I've run four times both weeks. I didn't do some of the speedwork I'd planned to do, but I'm amazingly proud that I did it. I've started listening to short stories on podcast, which has worked well the last three times. I mean, I still don't forget that I'm exercising. And I haven't had the runner's high since coming back, but that's hard when the weather is cold and the wind is blowing in my face. I like running well enough most of the time, but... I don't know. I'd like to run 5 miles twice a week for the rest of my life, but I think I might rather do my cardio in more fun ways, like classes.
But my goal is to run at least two half-marathons. I'm going to train for the 5k Naju race in April, then just keep working my way up to about 8 mile long runs on the weekends before I get home. I've got my eye on a half-marathon in Massachusetts. Actually, I've looked at quite a few. There's three or four in September or October, all in different little towns, so I'm going to do one of those. I really liked the idea of a marathon-vacation. I haven't been up north for... I'm not sure how long. Two years? So it'll be great to make a half-week, or at least a weekend, out of it.
Then half-marathon number two? IRELAND! Maybe I'll start making race vacations a tradition. By fall 2010 it will have been three years since I lived in Ireland, so it'll be about time to make my triumphant return. I miss it so much sometimes.
Time for another rambling about weight, so feel free to tune out if you like. I'm in roughly the same position now that I was last year at this time. I've been trying to get under 170 for about the past 6 months, just like I was trying to get under 180 last February. I'd just bought new clothes, in a size 14, I think, but I'd been at a plateau for a long time.
March 1, 2008: 189.64
March 30, 2008: 179.5
(-10.14)
March 1, 2008: 189.64
February 26, 2009: 172.4
(-17.24)
So cool, I'm 17 pounds lighter today than I was about a year ago. That's not a lot, considering. It's even more disappointing when I realize that I lost 10 pounds in 1 month, and 7 pounds in the next 11. Still, those 17 pounds were important ones. I went from a size 14 to a size 8 jean. And I was really satisfied last year at this time, so I must be even more amazingly satisfied now. I've pretty much got maintaining down to a science. That's not entirely true. What I actually do is eat in control for a while, then gain 5 pounds, then lose it. Then I sometimes lose an extra two, but regain it. That's not a great system, obviously, but it works. That's how I want it to be once I get to my goal weight/size too. If my jeans get a little tight, or I gain 5 pounds, I immediately start paying attention to what I eat again, and the problem goes away.
And hopefully (fingers crossed), I've got the exercise thing down pat now. Over the past year I've slowly gotten more and more consistent about it, at least the cardio element. And it'll only get easier once I can go back to America and have more fun options. Running gets a little boring. I'm sad to say I haven't lifted weights regularly for months, maybe four. But I'm going to start again this month.
So yeah. Maintaining, check. But losing weight? It's still hard, and it's so much harder now that I'm getting down to the last 20 pounds. I have to be almost perfect with eating and exercise. It's actually not losing weight that's so hard, I guess. I've lost pounds 176 through 170 about 10 times, then re-gained them. What's hard is getting to the milestone, the mini-goal, from which there's no return. When I got under 180 I said I would never go above it again, and I didn't. When I'm finally able to cross into the 160s, same deal. And I'm so close. Before I left for America, I saw 172 on the scale. Then back up to 176 in the first week. Before I left America, I saw 172 again. Then back up to almost 178, I think. Just this week, Monday, I actually saw 170.6.
So what did I do? Binge like crazy on Tuesday. Binge slightly less on Wednesday and Thursday. This morning the scale says 172.4. Granted, "binge" is totally different now than it used to be...
Tuesday's binge: three very healthy meals, then two ice cream cones, 8 oreos
Wednesday's binge: ice cream cone, cookie, 6 oreos
Thursday's binge: 1.5 donuts, 1 cookie
Well shoot, when I look at it like that, it looks really bad. But you'll just have to take my word for it that it used to be so much worse. Plus, I ate lighter calorie on Wed and Thurs to offset it. So yeah, so much better than before, but still... obviously not the way a person with a healthy food relationship eats. And not the way I needed to eat in order to lose that measly .6 pounds that separated me from my goal.
So why did I do it? That was the closest I'd ever been. Why did I, like all the other times, sabotage myself? And how can I keep myself from doing it again? It's true that I still struggle with eating when I'm bored or depressed... but I wasn't really either of those things. I wasn't mindlessly eating either. I was really aware of what I was doing. I tried to figure out what the emotions were, why I was doing it, but none of the usual ones came to mind. It was the same as when I was stuffing my face at my Mom's house while I was home. Boredom might've played a role in it, but I wasn't that bored.
So am I afraid? People write about that sometimes: being afraid of success. Am I still clinging to old habits, even though I really don't need them anymore, and I know it? Why else am I sabotaging myself? Granted it's TOM, so that could be part of it too. Makes me emotional, causes the scale to read wonky anyway. So it could be that TOM starts my downfall, then I feel like I've lost it so I just keep slipping. But timing is right now. I'm just finishing, it's almost the first of the month, and I'm at about 172. I don't think I can lose 10 pounds during March Madness this time around. I'm shooting for 167. That's about 5 pounds, and solidly in the 160s.
So that's my plan, but I still need to get to the bottom of my emotional issues so that they won't compromise me. So more on that later.
That was boring, huh?
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