My two-week vacation is almost over, and a lot happened. My sleeping schedule has been really wonky. For the first week, I went to bed really early at night, sometimes around 8 or 9, and woke up really early: 5 or 6. Then for the past week I've been staying up really late, like 2 or 3, and waking up later: sometimes not until 10. Tomorrow morning is my first day back at school though, and because I moved I need to start getting up earlier than I used to in order to get to school on time. I'm shooting for waking up around 6:45, so I'm trying to be asleep by 11:30. It's only 10:45 right now, so I want to do some blogging, because I'm behind. But I don't know how long I'll last, because I'm really exhausted.
Most importantly, I guess, it's March 1, the first day of March Madness. I thought maybe I had worked some of my binge/temptation problems out with my last post, but apparently not. I kept ODing on sweets every single day up until yesterday, and the scale certainly reflected it. I played that silly game that all dieters play. I knew I was started my serious diet today, so I let myself eat irresponsibly and unhealthily for all the days leading up to it. I told myself I was having my last hurrah, but what I was really doing was driving up my starting weight. Making it harder for myself. Nice.
But big seriousness started today, and I'm pleased to say I got off to a good start. My two close girl friends came back from China yesterday, so I met them today at Dunkin Donuts to catch up. Yesterday I'd told myself that I was going to give up sweets completely, cold turkey, during March. But I knew that wouldn't work, and that even trying would be detrimental. I'd give it up for a day or two, then not be able to fight the temptation to binge, then be so angry at myself that I felt tempted to give up completely. I have to compromise with myself to have any real lasting success. So that's what I did today. I had a couple of donut holes and a hot chocolate, and it was very satisfying but not too bad. Tonight I needed something sweet after dinner, so I had one cookie. I amazed myself with my willpower at dinner too. I cooked for myself, tuna spaghetti, then got invited out to a pizza place to catch up with some other friends who'd just gotten back from vacation. This is the danger zone for me... multiple social dinners. But I fought the urges. I had half a small slice, just for the taste, and didn't feel tempted to have anymore. So yeah, a good start. I also lifted weights for the first time in literally months, and it felt great. I'm really looking forward to getting back into it.
I think I had some insight into why I've been sabotaging myself too. I was reading old blog entries a few minutes ago and got really depressed, because I had gotten down to 174 last July. It's been 7 months and I haven't lost any weight. That's not true... I've lost lots of weight. The same pounds, over and over again. I forgot that I'd actually let myself get up to 185 last summer while I was home, then lost it all again. But just like the beginning of last March, I haven't made any real serious progress, or hit any milestones and maintained them, for about 6 months. Why? Milestones are really important to me. If I get below one, I get very serious about never ever going above it again. That's, I think, why I'm so afraid to get below 170, why I'm sabotaging myself with these binges. If I do it, then it's real. Then I've crossed a line into something else... a person whose weight begins with the numbers 16-. I'm one giant step closer to being the person I want to be... the kind of person who doesn't binge on sweets or eat multiple dinners. And once I get down there, I can't ever let myself go up again. That's a lot of pressure, I'm realizing. That's scary. So maybe that's why I don't let myself get to that next milestone. But no more. It's March. I'm going to have a (very-close-to) perfect month, get below 170, and not look back.
So another important thing that happened is that I broke up with my boyfriend. Well, I didn't really break up with him. I wrote him a letter and told him I'd been sort of unhappy lately, and asked for some things... more attentiveness, affection. I suggested we talk about things, maybe take a break for a week and think about how we feel. He sent me a pretty cold reply. Nothing about what I needed. "Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship after all. We're both questioning our compatibility. A break sounds good." That sort of stuff. I texted to ask if we could sit down and talk about some things. I wanted to talk before we took a break. I wanted to know how he felt... if he understood my feelings. If he thought he could give me what I needed. There isn't really much of a point of taking a break if you don't know where you stand. But he didn't even reply to my message. So that leads me to believe he's either angry or doesn't care... both of which don't bode well for our future.
So I'm tempted to cut and run in my feelings, not to wait for next weekend. The only thing that could make me change my mind is a heartfelt expression from him, but that seems unlikely. And honestly, I've been pretty sure that he wasn't the one, that we just weren't compatible enough, for a while now. After I got his reply I immediately got that rush of panic that I'd made a big mistake. I felt the temptation to call and apologize, to ask him to come over. But that passed, thankfully. And reasonably, because I'd been reluctant to pick up the phone when he called for a week. I'd been dreading him coming over. We'd had very little to say to each other. I called Tim, went through all the stages of breakup.
Disappointment/sadness: I really thought he might be the one. I thought I might have found That Person. I might not have to look anymore. I might have my partner for life.
Anger: I put so much into this relationship, especially emotionally, and I didn't get much out of it. I didn't ask for too much. I didn't want more of his time. I just wanted more warmth. I wanted to feel as if he was interested in what I had to say, particularly in my feelings. I didn't want him to come over to my apartment and turn on the TV. But apparently that was just too much to ask. He's not ready for that kind of relationship. He wants to talk seriously, very seriously, about getting married, but maybe he's not ready for a relationship? And really, I don't even deserve a response to my text message? I cooked for him the day before.
Shame: It's always embarrassing for me when a relationship ends. Embarrassing that I couldn't make it work. Embarrassing that I cared about him and apparently he was just pretending with me. Embarrassing that I chose to stay in Korea an extra 6 months for him, and now I have to admit that it didn't work out. I don't really regret it... I know that if I hadn't tried, I would have always wondered, and maybe regretted that. But it's still embarrassing to be so wrong about someone.
Irrational fear of dying alone: I said it was irrational, but whenever a relationship ends I am always gripped by this sudden paralyzing fear that I'm never going to have another boyfriend. No one will ever be attracted to me again. I'll realize too late, probably after hearing about his wedding, that he was the one, and I was a fool not to realize it. Also, I'm 23. Oh my God. I should be married already. I need to have kids. Like I said, I know this is not the case. Don't feel compelled to reassure me. I know I'll have another boyfriend. I know people will be attracted to me. I know I won't die alone. It's a gripping, paralyzing, sudden fear, but it passes.
Immense relief: This feeling is more permanent, actually, and stronger than the others. I was saying to Tim that I'd been avoiding doing this, and avoiding admitting to myself that it wasn't working out, because I felt stupid for making the mistake (of staying in Korea for him, of thinking it would work). And Tim made a really good point: Yeah, it sucks to admit that you made a mistake, or you were wrong, but it's better to admit it, and face it, than to keep making the mistake over and over again. So yeah, I feel relieved. I admitted my mistake, I stood up for myself with regards to what I need/want, and I did what needed to be done. It needed to be done for him, too. In a different situation, we could have hung out, bided our time. But all this super-serious early talk about marriage? All this talk about moving to America together? If it's not a real possibility, then he deserves to know. And I do feel a little lonely... not having someone to call or text message in the morning and at night. Not having someone to sleep with a couple nights a week. But the relief is better. And realistically, it just wasn't working. A lot of things were going wrong.
Low-grade sadness: So yeah, low-grade sadness and relief are the current stage. But I don't feel as sad as I thought I would. I thought I'd be much more upset about being stuck in Korea, but I'm honestly not. It's only about 4 and a half months. I have good friends. I'll be busy with school now, and time will go fast. I'll just enjoy my remaining time, do all the things I haven't had a chance to do, and avoid thinking about it. The low-grade sadness will pass quickly, I think.
Okay, it's midnight, so I definitely need to wrap this up. More tomorrow.
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