I actually wasn't that upset about going on a break with Manuel for most of the week. I had other worries, and I kept busy with friends, and I was able to remember why I did it. When I would start to question the wisdom of my decision, which was mostly when I was lonely or upset, I would think of the reasons why I wanted to break up, and I didn't regret it. I didn't miss anything about him in particular, really... just having someone on call. I'd said I would call on Saturday, but I just didn't want to all day. After he sent me a reply to my email agreeing that we should take a break, I sent him a text message asking if we could talk, but he ignored it completely. So I felt justified in not calling, but then on Saturday night I went to the bar with the girls. I didn't really drink at all... Maybe one shot and one beer. But I decided to call him just because I wanted closure. I spent the week worried about when the other shoe fell, if I would be sadder once it was over for good, and not just "a break." I didn't want to worry about that anymore. I wanted it to be over completely. So I sent a text that said "Should we just break up?" He replied with, essentially, "Maybe I'm not right for you." So I called and said, "Fine if you want to break up, if you're not willing to do what I asked to make this relationship work, but I deserved better. A reply to my text message, or a phone call." He tried to make me feel bad, said I made him feel inadequate, or whatever. And fine, that may be true. I was the one who asked for a break, who told him I was unhappy and needed some things to change. But I was kind about it, said I wanted to make it work, and asked for reasonable things: like him not to come over and immediately turn on the TV while I cook. I don't know, maybe he sensed that I was emotionally vacating and responded in turn. It's for the best. It would have been good for the ego if he'd been nicer about it, or expressed regret, but I want a complete break, and it's easier if he's cold about it.
I'm fluctuating between anger and indifference. I'm angry that I gave so much and got so little. I'm angry because he must have misrepresented his feelings. You don't go from honestly asking someone about getting married to this coldness in a week. So this anger should have sustained me, but then he texted me tonight at 1:15am and woke me up. This entire exchange took place in Korean.
Him: Are you sleeping?
Me: No, why? (I was.)
Him: I was just thinking of you. Sorry.
Me: It's fine. Good night.
Him: Good night.
Me: (This was a mistake.) Why are you so heartless?
Him: (Something I couldn't really understand. "I couldn't make a decision..." Then something about acting heartless being better? I'm really not sure.)
Me: Whatever. What should I do with your stuff? (Another mistake, although really, I want it out of my apartment. I don't want the reminders, but I don't want to just throw it away either.
Him: Can I get it back? I want to give you your stuff too. (What this could be, I have no idea. Unless he's going to give back gifts I gave him, which is hurtful, and awkward, because I'm not returning some things he gave me.)
Me: How's tomorrow?
Him: 7pm?
Me: I can't believe you. Fine, 7. Please don't give me anything. Keep it or throw it away.
No answer to that. So that, I think, was why I couldn't go back to sleep for two hours. I laid in bed stewing, wondering if I should not be angry at all, and wondering what I had to give back to him. His PJs, his toothbrush, his rice bowl. Those are obvious. He left a bunch of Japanese noodles here that he would make when he came over, and which I don't like at all, so I can give those back. But the towels he gave me? I don't have any, and he doesn't need them. The iPod he gave me for Christmas? I gave him a pair of tennis shoes worth the same amount, and I don't want those. (Although actually we wear the same size, so if he does give them back...) I don't want to meet him to exchange things. I certainly don't want him to ask for the iPod. I don't want this to be a discussion. I feel like I can't really act angry toward him. I, essentially, I guess, said he didn't make me happy and told him in what ways he was a bad boyfriend, and asked for a break. So that's at least wounding to the pride, and he is a prideful person. I can't really be upset that he didn't offer to change and beg to be taken back. He's probably hurting at least a little bit too, and just protecting himself, which is understandable behavior. It's unfair of me now to let loose anger over things I stored up, that I didn't express when they happened. He's a lot younger than me. He's never been in a real relationship before this. And I didn't want to stay with him for the (necessarily) selfish reason that he doesn't make me happy, so what else should I expect from him?
It also occurred to me that if I had more patience, we could stay together. And he was relatively happy together, as long as he didn't have to try too much. If I was willing to keep trying. If I didn't want the instant gratification of a certain kind of boyfriend. If I gave him time to mature, guided him more gently towards what I need, he'd probably get better. But I started to wonder if I was asking him to fundamentally change his nature to make me happy. Obviously that's not possible, so... If I couldn't be happy with him, I thought it was best to end it. Especially with all the baggage, the pressure to decide now so we could make plans for the next year. I had to tell him that things would have to change if he wanted to take our relationship to the next level, if he wanted me to seriously consider marriage. It would have been easier just to stay together, but I thought honesty was the best policy. And unless he's just putting on a brave face, he seems to have rebounded much faster than you'd have expected from someone who claimed to who have found his soulmate. My final assessment of my second serious boyfriend: He and I might be quite similar: We're both a little self-absorbed at times, we have strong self-preservation instincts, and we both know that we have to make ourselves happy, because no one else will. But we're both also afraid of ending up alone. We seem to have those things in common, but turned out to be incompatible in other ways. I hope I can avoid getting angry or emotional when I see him tomorrow. I'd like to be nice, because I don't want to be angry. It's bad for my own mental state, and not entirely fair, for the reasons I already mentioned. I care about him. I don't really want to hurt him. I just don't want to see him for awhile until I can get over my anger. And I know we're not going to be friends. We weren't friends before we started dating. He doesn't really do friendship... He's busy and invests as little time as possible in unimportant social things . That's why having a girlfriend was such an exceptional change for him, and perhaps too much. See? All these thoughts have been whirling around in my head and I couldn't sleep.
School was actually the biggest stressor. They still hadn't set the final weekly schedule at either school, so I just spent whole days sitting at my desk. I taught... two classes at one school and three at the other over the whole week. I knew I should have spent that time lesson planning, but I just couldn't bring myself to when I didn't even know what I'd be teaching next. I need to know how many times a week I'll be teaching each class... when I need to get there. I just need the schedule to feel like the semester has really started, so I was pretty unproductive until Friday, when I finally buckled down and made some lesson plans. I was also stressed about meeting my new co-teacher. Good co-teacher left, and was replaced by a much older woman (maybe 50?). She seems okay. Her English is about the level of other co-teacher (not great), and we don't have the same immediate comfortable system in the classroom as I did with the other one but it'll be fine. She also only wants me to teach 5 classes, rather than the 7 I used to teach, which is sort of fine with me. Last year I'd have been upset about this, but especially because I have other stuff on my mind, I'm okay with a little less work and stress. Tomorrow I should get the weekly schedule, and be able to prepare and make a weekly plan, so hopefully it'll be a good fresh start.
What really didn't help is that I managed to injured myself somehow. I'd had some strange feelings in my foot for a couple of days. The problem, I think, was caused partly by shoes. Three of the pairs of shoes I bought in America don't actually fit well at all. One pair is too big, the boots pinch my toes, and another pair is too short. And my running shoes are old. Plus I've been running more regularly for the past month than ever before, including some little hills. I felt a little twinge while running, and then it just kept getting worse. It started to hurt with every walking step. At first I thought it was plantar fasciitis, because it was heel pain that seemed to be following that pattern. But it was weird. The first day was bad heel pain, but the next day the pain just migrated to the side of my foot. The next day it was in my ankle. And today it alternated between foot and ankle. I don't know what was wrong with me at first, but I feel like I must be altering my stride to alleviate the pain, which may be causing it move around. I haven't run for four days, and aside from walking to school and back I've tried to rest it as much as possible. It seems to be getting better, but it's hard to tell when it moves around. I bought a new pair of tennis shoes today, so hopefully those will have more cushion and help. It's really hard on me not to be able to exercise. I've been overeating because of stress. But I'm usually able to offset that with exercise, but now I'm depressed about not being able to exercise, which makes me... eat more. Catch-22, for sure. But I think I actually sugared myself out, I hope, this weekend. I feel gross, and I just want to eat vegetables all day tomorrow. I actually feel feverish right now, so I hope I'm not getting sick.
It's bad how little I appreciate when I'm in good health. Any little injury, particularly one that affects every step, just makes everything that much harder. But how many days have I woken up with no illness, no aches or pains, and not noticed? It would be just what I deserve, I guess, to get sick now too. I've been eating crappy food and not exercising.
I also found out this week that I'm not receiving the raise they told me I would. There's a lot of problems with this, and just the whole thing depresses me. Their reasoning is sound: I'm a Fulbrighter, so I should receive what all the other Fulbrighters receive. If I'd gotten the E-3 visa, then I'd be getting the raise, but I didn't. But it's not my fault I didn't get the new visa. I brought what my co-teacher told me to bring. She didn't realize how difficult the process would be, even though it was her idea for me to try to get a new visa rather than going back to Fulbright in the winter. And even when they were railroading me back into Fulbright, good co-teacher told me I'd still get some sort of raise as a compromise. But yesterday she handed me my contract and I found... no raise. I asked, but this is other co-teacher, who expressed surprise that I thought I'd still be getting a raise. She did call the School Board to try to get me more money, but it doesn't seem promising.
Here's the problem, though. Regular extendees also get two months' paid vacation: 2,800,000 won. I didn't get that, because I wasn't Fulbright anymore during winter vacation. But even if they gave me the 400,000 won/month raise that they said I'd get, it would still only equal, at the most, 1,800,000 won, which is less than the regular Fulbrighter's paid vacation. But I don't get that either. I also didn't get a free plane ticket home in the summer, because at the time I wasn't staying a whole year. In that case I screwed myself with my indecisiveness. And the same could be argued for the winter vacation money, I guess. But I deserve something... I decided to stay in large part because of this alleged raise. (To be clear, I was just going to receive the same salary as regular non-Fulbright teachers, not some exorbitant sum.) Plus, great, I have an apartment, but that also means I have to pay bills and buy food. I have no idea how much the bills will be, because I haven't received one yet, but it's extra expenses + same salary = less money.
And finally, to add insult to injury, the dive in the exchange rate hurts so badly. I receive the same salary in won as I always did: 1,400,000 per month. But to give you some idea of how much the economy has changed: I used to receive $1,200 for transferring that salary to America. The same amount in won is now worth... $800. Again, I'm a fool. If I'd known, or been smarter about money in general, I would have saved money last year, when the exchange rate wasn't in the dumps, and when I didn't have bills. But no, I blew it, and now I'm going to have to scrape desperately to save any chunk of money at all.
Which would be okay if I knew I was coming home to a good job, but considering the economy, that seems unlikely. When I realized, after finding out about the un-raise, how difficult it was going to be for me to save anything in the next four months, I sort of hit a wall. I started worrying overdrive about the future, and panicking about finding a job. I mean, I know I can find any job, but one that will give me health insurance, help me pay my car insurance? And one that has something to do with education? It was starting to look hopeless.
I guess it's a good thing, maybe, because it jump started my job search. I've been searching www.idealist.org for non-profit jobs in education, and found that there ARE jobs in existence, in other states. But that website, I was warned by a friend, is like mecca, so there are huge numbers of highly-qualified applicants for every job. Still, I started weeding through for things I was highly-qualified for and decided I had to try. I'm at a disadvantage for a lot of things because I can't interview in person, but it was better to be actively trying than just panicking. The other option is AmeriCorps positions. I feel pretty confident I could get one of those, and it would definitely be in education. There's just a few things:
1. The idea behind AmeriCorps is that you don't get a salary. You usually get a living stipend which is barely enough to get by on. Some programs expressly state that you get enough money to live at the poverty line (like the people you're helping, presumably). The reward is that, at the end of service, you get $4,725 towards education. You can use it to pay student loans, or in the future towards graduate school.
2. This sounds okay. I mean, living at the poverty level is easier for a single person than a family, obviously. And some of the programs don't make you live at the poverty level, or provide/subsidize your housing. It's just finding one that's a good fit. And if it's going to really prepare me for my future career, it's obviously better than working at Auntie Anne's for a year. All the programs, btw, provide health insurance, which is something I don't have in Florida.
3. There's lots of options. The kinds of jobs I'm looking at are teaching/tutoring and volunteer coordinating, which is what I did at the Honors College. And there's lots of places... even some in Florida. I'll just have to apply for the best ones, and keep trying until I get a job.
4. The only bad thing is that most of them are year long programs, meaning it would be August-August. But I still want to do TFA, or a similar program, and they all start in mid-June. So I'd have to quit the program early (which isn't unheard of) in order to do it. Which means (see #1), no education award. It means I just lived at the poverty level for 11 and a half months and worked 40-50 hours a week and I don't get anything for it. But that would be okay if it meant getting TFA, or a job I really wanted, right? It's a decision I could make when I get there.
I've applied for three things already, all of which are in Boston, and I actually have a phone interview on Tuesday. I haven't heard from the other two. Here's some links, if you're interested.
1. The MATCH Corps is my first choice. I haven't heard from them yet, but I should by Thursday. The in-person interview might be a real sticking point for them. But it's great because it also would lead to teaching certification for Massachusetts. Which would mean I might not even need to do TFA (although I still might want to). This is why it's my first choice. plus, it provides housing. And it just sounds really cool.
2. The Urban Fellows program is the one I have an interview for. It's good. They provide housing, plus a $15,000 stipend. It's my second choice, though, because there's no spelled-out path to teacher certification, and it doesn't finish until July, which means I couldn't do TFA, or I'd have to quit early.
So yeah, lots to think about. And now, a chance to hopefully sleep for two more hours. I already got... maybe four hours? Everything will be okay. It's a new week.
1 comment:
I love you! Don't worry about the boy... And you should move here and be our nanny! See problems solved. Ok, mAybe still some kinks to work out.
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